No More Secrets

LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF:

I had to keep secrets. I had to do things that no child should ever have to do with other children and adults that broke me for a very long time. I had to keep quiet. I could do nothing. I was powerless. I couldn't help anyone, not even myself. Today, I realize I'm still not over it. I'm not some floundering, soul sick, heart broken woman anymore but it apparently still colors how I relate to people and how I have relationships in my life. Those experiences have made me stronger but I guess I'm still feeling guilty. I'm having a hard time trying to understand that I was just a kid and it wasn't my fault. I did what I had to do to survive and I find zero comfort in that.

Somewhere along the road I made a decision that I would never keep secrets again. I would never allow another person to touch me if I didn't want to be touched. I would never not speak up if I thought somebody was in harms way. I would fight the way that little girl wanted to fight but couldn't. Not only was I gonna fight for her but I made a decision to fight for everyone else out there who had to shut up, take it, get over it, forget it about, be shamed for it, blamed for it and exiled because of it. No one should experience what I did. No one. Unfortunately my story is way too common.

Now that desire for justice has served me in many ways. I consider myself to be an advocate for basic human rights. Blah, blah, blah. What this means is I've been through a lot. I've been able to come to terms with many of my life experiences and because I have found forgiveness thru a Higher Power, I've been able to piece back that shattered soul of mine.

What I'm dealing with today is a new layer of sadness. I guess we do deal with things in layers. About a year or so ago - I began to recall more memories of past sexual abuse. It didn't hit me hard though. It was like "Oh, that sucks," but nothing crippling or traumatic.

Cut to an episode in my life where those childhood feelings began playing themselves out again. It felt like I had to be quiet, keep secrets, get over it and shut up. All of a sudden I'm seven again. "It's wrong what's going on and people are going to hurt." My insides scream. So I spoke up. I spoke out. I spoke on and over and spoke LOUDLY. I'm never gonna shut up I said to myself because people's lives are at stake.

I confronted this person because for me - if you have an issue - you must go to the source. It was the look in this person's eyes that set me the hell off. That no one will ever believe you look and your crazy. Honey, it triggered something in me and that was it. I followed that up with a little character assassination, a fuck you or two or three and kinda' lost my head for a minute until I did an inventory on what was really going on. I have to say that I'm not sorry I said something. I'm sorry for the way I reacted.

I realized that even though I was a child, I still blame myself on some level for not being able to help those kids. I know logically I couldn't have done anything but I think if I had been braver, stronger, more courageous - I could have stopped it. I could have saved them from what I went through.

And there is my whole life's work up until this point. I could have saved them because somehow I'm God. So now anytime I see anyone else strugglin' - I feel compelled to do something because I couldn't do anything when I was a child. So does this mean I stop? Stop trying to do good and help wherever I can? I don't know. I have always helped people and I don't thing I could ever not do it. It's part of who I am.

I guess the next order of business is to forgive myself again. I'm not God. I can't save everybody. Right now, I just feel a numbing sadness like I can't go there again. I just can't go back into that darkness. I won't. I always tell people the only way around shit is to go through it. One thing I do know is that I'm not alone. My Creator is here. You are here. I know people care. I care.

So I get to make amends, do some more work and maybe go see somebody about my "problems." Oh, joy. What's Up With That? Ahhh, contempt prior to investigation will get me nowhere fast so I'll just remain open and be willing to do whatever I need to do to let go and move on.