What is Holding Me Back

Last night I was writing a 10th step on myself and God/The Universe, whatever "It" is while I was at the laundromat. I was a little miffed having to go to the laundromat on account of my landlord yanking out our washer and dryer for douchey reasons. But I decided to make good use of my time. This was after I put $20 in the change machine and only got $10 back. This was while watching a homeless man get naked and wash himself and his clothes. Good time, I know. I was writing it to stop the "F you and your mother attitude" that I have had since the XFactor auditions. 

Today, I ran into a man who was helping me prepare for these auditions. He said, "Christina you have it, you have the voice, the personality, the drive and the look. You have it and I just can't put my finger on it but there is something keeping you or blocking you from succeeding. I don't know what it is, you have to figure it out but when you are you - you are great. I don't know what you need to do but if you want to move forward, you gotta figure out what that is and let it go." He said he could see me as a multi-million dollar brand.

We left it as maybe I needed to go to Seattle for my own little web redemption. (Tosh.o) As I walked away towards the gym, the tears just started coming. I don't want to be that person who gets tight at all the wrong moments. I don't want to let my fear hold me back. I don't want to do anything but shine and help others to shine. Yet, what he said struck a cord with me. I thought I had done the work to get rid of those unwanted and negative thoughts that say you're not enough, it doesn't matter, no one cares and you'll never make it.

Logically and intellectually, I get that I have IT. Deep in my heart I know I have IT. Somewhere between my inner child and my ism - it seems to get lost in translation. It's very upsetting to me. I listened to other people. I trusted their opinion over mine. He said I didn't need to Mohawk. I looked too made up. He said when I am me. I rock. And the truth is, I've been playing to people for the validation, for their love and for acceptance for so long that I sometimes lose who me is.

I want people to feel a part of this process. I felt alone growing up. I envied my cousins and longed to be close to my family. We always moved around. It was hard to have long term relationships. I don't want to do this alone but at what cost?

So who are you Christina? What is holding you back?

I don't want that fear to hold me back. I don't want to hear those stupid, old ass tapes anymore. I want to truly embrace me. Me, the gal that has a quirky sense of fashion. Some might call it bad. Me, the gal that speaks her mind and doesn't take shit from anybody. Me, the gal that loves deeply and gives all that she has. My voice is blossoming. I'll don't think I'll ever sing like Mariah or Whitney but I am a great performer. I have a strong voice and an amazing presence. With the right training, the possibilities are endless.

I'm starting with new affirmations tomorrow. I have to write 10 and say them three times a day. I need to pick songs that are me. If I get a web redemption - I'll do it differently. HE says let me dress you - I say, I'll dress myself this time thank you. I'll wear my signature hair, my signature clothes and let the chips fall where they may.

Congress is full of Jack Wagons

Congress is full of Jack Wagons. We need to get off Mambie Pambie Island and start doing what they are doing in the Middle East; taking back our damn country. I mean it is OUR country right? I feel like a stranger in my own land. Am I crazy?

When did this problem of balancing budgets and joblessness become Obama's fault? When? Was it when the old administration allowed our jobs to be shipped overseas so the greedy corporations could make an even larger profit at our expense? Was it when the old administration allowed banks to give loans on overpriced homes to people who couldn't afford them? Or maybe it was when the old administration turned a blind eye to the Wall Street Cronies as they stole people's retirements, dreams and livelihoods?

Seriously, does Congress think we are idiots? We voted Obama in. I thought we said enough of this political bullcrap? Yet here we are again. Republicans jockeying for position and honestly, I don't know what the Democrats are doing. They've got their tails between their legs. Get some balls. Tell the truth, say it louder and get your people to back you up.

John Boehner, you are an idiot and a cry baby. Who cries like that? Ughhh. Don't act like it's Obama's fault. He walked into this mess - you Jack Wagon. Why don't you go to your corporations and Wall Street D-Bags and tell them to give us back the jobs and the money you stinkin' Republicans let them steal from hard working Americans. WTF?

I'm fed up. When Obama was elected, it was the first time in a long time that I felt like the American dream was alive again. But every time he tries to create change - he gets cockblocked. Health Insurance, I don't know what they did but they found a loophole. Three years ago, I paid $64 dollars for my son's insurance. Today it costs $215 for a similar plan with less coverage. Credit cards. He put a bill forth that was to stop credit card companies from screwing us over. Before the bill was enacted, credit card companies raised annual percentage rates (APR) on people, citing it was a necessary step to cover their asses. Now I pay 22.95% APR on a card I haven't been late on, have paid the balances in full at time and been a good customer.

Now, we are talking about cutting when we should be talking about how to get our jobs back. Without jobs, we are never going to recover. Corporations, wealthy people, they don't need tax breaks. People don't want handouts, they want opportunity. You have to invest in our children's education and in the continuing education of those who want to be contributing members of society. Isn't this the land of opportunity?

All I want is for the nonsense to stop and for people with good ideas to be able to make things happen. What happened to "yes, we can?"

This was actually written March 28th.

I didn't make it.

The guy said no and just like that, it was over. I'm not an excuse maker. I can't believe I didn't make it thru the first round. I saw a old women in a walker and a blind guy make it but when I went up there, the guy didn't even look at me while I was singing. It was like singing to a wall. A wall that didn't like me.

I could second guess what happened. I got there early, they put me in the wrong group. I should have gone first but ended up being the last group in. By the time I figured out something was not right, they rushed me and this other girl in but the mind set was different. Theirs and mine. The ones for the show were in that first group, the one I was supposed to be in.

I was pitchy but I was good. I spent the last night sucking down emergence C and Thera Flu. I was poppin' throat lozenges the day of. I thought to myself, people sing sick all the time. Professionals make it work. I look great, my performance skills are on point. I thought I good enough to move on but he said no. I now understand how some people lose their cookies on the audition floor. I was upset. You know when people are listening. He looked right thru me. He closed his eyes and didn't even take in the whole package. I make a living connecting with others. That's a huge part of what I do.

I feel cheated. I feel like I did everything right and it wasn't good enough. Again. All I hear is HER voice saying, "only special people make it in the industry." Get a job you worthless piece of crap. I don't understand what the Universe wants from me or if it has anything to do with what happened to me or if I'm just supposed to quit now and get a job at 7-11 where my talents will really be of use to people.

What's the point of having this talent? I'm almost 40. I've been trying to make a living at this for years to no avail. I'm still broke. I'm well known in a small community. I have no idea how we are going to pay for my son's school. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent considering I sunk more money we didn't have into this opportunity because I was sure it was going to pay off.

It just doesn't make sense to me. I keep reliving in my head what happened. What did I do wrong? Should I have done this instead of that. Should I have said, hey asshole look at me when I'm singing? Should I have said, I'm recovering from the flu and I might be a bit pitchy? Shoulda', woulda', coulda' but it doesn't matter because it's over.

I'm just laying in bed today. I don't want to face the world. My stupid ego is bruised. I don't know where to go from here. I have a phone interview in ten minutes for an online radio station. I wish they would cancel but I still have to show up.

In the end, I'm not a quitter. I'm giving myself a day to say woe is me. Last night I applied to be on Oprah's Looking for the next Big Singer show. Who knows. I don't what else to do but perform. It's where I feel the most alive. It's where I feel like I do the most good.

I don't know what the Universe wants from me. They say when one door closes, another one opens. Sounds like pish posh to me right now. All I know is that I gave it my best and they told me No. No sucks.

With Dignity and Respect, I Bid You a F-U

So my censors have been off and I've been dealing with a variety of emotions since the XFactor audition. I'm in acceptance of the fact it wasn't a reflection on me or a lack of talent on my part but I'm still pissed that some douche bag put me in the wrong group and essentially killed my opportunity to get thru to the next round.

Something in me has snapped again.

I feel tired and angry. I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of taking the high road. I'm tired of not getting anywhere. I'm still stuck in this two bedroom apartment with a tool of a landlord, who just yanked out our washer and dryer in retaliation of a complaint we made about him to the city. I'm tired of people in positions of power taking advantage of the little guy.

I'm tired of being a little guy.

The other day I took my son to watch me play dodgeball. We parked in the new West Hollywood Library parking lot. It says one hour free and an extra hour free if you are at the park. It's after 10 p.m. when we get to the lot. The park closes at 10 p.m. I go to the security guard to have my ticket validated. He says he can't. The park has to do that. I tell him, the park says you guys do that. Matter of fact - your sign says you do that. He won't budge. He won't validate. He says I should follow the rules like everyone else which sets me on fire inside. See, following the f'n rules seems to be my problem. I'm doing and I ain't going nowhere.

I look at my kid. I don't want make a scene. I go to my car and realize I have forgotten my purse. I have enough change to pay for my ticket if he validates my parking. He won't. He won't give his supervisors name. He tells me to leave my car or call the police but he's unable to let me out. No one is home so we had to walk a good twenty minutes to get home, me and my kid at 10:30 at night because some scrub security guard is on a power trip.

I get home. I get my purse. I call one of my bestie's because I'm pretty pissed off at this point. I tell her I want to act like a lady. I want to be dignified but I want to punch him in the neck and shove his balls down his throat. I pray to God that I'll do the right thing and just walk away from the situation. But someone has to pay. With every step I take, I realize I have to say something. I can't let one more person get away with being an F'n power hungry moron. The guy at the XFactor audition had the same attitude. "They'll call you when their ready. We know what we are doing." Blah, blah, blah. That's why my ass missed my audition time, you jack wagon. I half hope the guy won't be there and I half hope he will. So I get there and he's right by my car with the other security guard guy. Both looking at me, he's smirking.

My head says walk away Christina. My body keeps moving towards him. My bestie is on the phone. I smile. I look at him and say "you could have helped me but you didn't and it's probably because your mad because you live in your mama's basement and you a little dick." I followed this with about 20 expletives and told him to have a good night, you f'n asshole. Not exactly the picture of dignity and class but it felt good. Then I felt bad for feeling good but in my head he deserved it. I don't live in a bad neighborhood but I had my kid with me. He could have done something and for whatever reason, he didn't. My role was I left my purse at home. I have entitlement issues and I had expectations. I do a lot for people and he doesn't know this but a break was what I was looking for.

Then I get a call from my landlord telling me he's going to make our lives hell because we asked him to fix things in our apartment that should have been fixed seven years ago. He's trying to sell the building and we wanted it on record as to what needed to be done so there were no surprises or problems. He tells me I've cut off my nose to spite my face and if he doesn't sell the building, we will be out of the street. Really? My head says don't say anything Christina. My mouth says karma will get you one day asshole.

But will it? Do bad people pay for being bad?Does taking the high road, sticking to your morals and doing the right thing pay off? Does any of this matter anyway? People tell me, God has a better plan for you Christina. Really? Better than turning 40, renting a two-bedroom apartment, not having a job, savings or being able to make a living doing what I love and not knowing where rent is coming from next month? I work my ass off. I don't give up. I fight for people to be able to own their space, to be who they are and to find their gifts. Yet it feels like I can't catch a damn break. I've got stupid people talking crap to me like I'm nothing because they think can. I'm done.

Stay positive they say. Don't be negative. Maybe I'm just being a realist. Nice doesn't cut it. Doing good ain't payin' the bills. When I work with those kids, do they even care? Will what I'm doing matter in the end? If I take my anger out of the picture, I know that what we do matters. I have a great kid and have people that love me. This process has brought me closer to that pure joy I used to get singing as a child. If people had not taken the time to tell me I had a gift and shouldn't give up, I don't know where I'd be. The question is where am I? Right now it feels like nowhere. No one still knows me. The Big Stage still eludes me. My bank account is rolling on zero and my CD's are still in my closet unsold.

Well at least I don't live in my mama's basement. . .

Tomorrow is the DAY

I came home last night with a sore throat and tired. My kid is sick, the old man just had his molar and wisdom tooth ripped out of his mouth. I didn't stress. I delegated. I got Thera flu, vitamin C tabs, Zycam and went to bed. There are no excuses. There is just doing. I'll sing with a plugged up nose, snot dripping out of my head, whatever. I'm in it to win it. I slept to 1 p.m. today and I went to get my hair done, shopped for shoes and got all my stuff ready for tomorrow. This is my time. I'm not afraid. I know where I belong. I'm gonna kill em tomorrow or die tryin'.

2 days . . . To Let Go and Let God

I've realized something these past two weeks. This all comes down to trusting that I've done the work, the Universe is working with me and that I can trust the people in my life.

I can trust the people in my life. I can trust that I've done the work. I can trust. I simply don't use those words lightly. To have gone through what I've gone through in my life and to be able to trust, is truly a miracle. I am incredibly grateful.

I have the best people in my life. I am still afraid to trust on some level but I don't let fear rule me. I am taking that leap of faith and I am letting the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, what do I have? If I'm always second guessing what you do, where is the growth? How do we move onward and upward?

One thing I've learned is that I don't do style very well. Lol. Goldie and my bestie will tell you that. What I love about them is that they tell me the truth, in emails, phone calls and texts. "What the ?" Don't EVER wear THAT!

You need people to tell you the truth. Today my mentor/friend Ida gave me a beautiful necklace and words of encouragement. She sent me a song that brought me to tears. This is my moment. These people really love me and it's okay. No matter what happens, I'm happy. I haven't self-destructed. I've worked my ass off and in my heart I know that my life is going to change.

Only time will tell how.

4 days . . .

I feel like I'm in surreal town. I got Simon's email about XFactor and I literally started to panic. I watched the video about the 5 hints to successful auditioning and I immediately started second guessing myself and everyone around me. He says be original. Well, how the hell can you be original singing other people's songs? (I know it can be done, I'm just venting.) Pepper and John say when you sing a cover you gotta sing the first line like the song and then put your own spin on it. So now what?

Now what is have faith Mrs. Christina. The force is guiding you. Thy will be done. I am afraid to make a mistake because as Simon put it, this might be my last shot doing something like this. If I could only add a little more pressure to the situation right?

Oh and then HE starts talking about how my dress isn't sexy enough. But I am sexy enough you &%$#@! Clothes don't make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. Fact is, I just don't trust his judgement anymore. But he got into my head. I can't have that shit. Now I have to go and bring it to other people to make sure it's the right look. Arghhhhh.

Girlfriend, you gotta stay strong. You won't do this perfectly but you will give it everything you have. People love you and support you. They want to see you succeed as much as you do. You can do this. Don't you just love how I just spoke to myself in third person? Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out.