Today was my man's birthday. Spent the day shopping for him. Contrary action. I am trying. I really am. Music has been in my head all day. I tried not to get up my son's ass today about getting off his Xbox. Guess what? It didn't work. I'm going to take that stupid thing and chuck it out the window one day. I swear I am.
One thing I know for sure my thoughts are everything. If I go into this thing with an attitude of maybe I'll do good, I hope I can make it or if I just make into the first round, it'll be victory, it's like giving myself an out or leaving room for not making it. There is no maybe in my vocabulary. I am winning, everything. That's my attitude. I will take every piece of criticism, direction, instruction and intention to be the last one standing. Anything less would be uncivilized.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
16 days . . .
I'm so stinkin' tired. I met with Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrarri today. We discussed song choices. I am so glad that we met because they just made it clear to me what I need to do and I had to change my song choices to be able to complete in this contest.
I am so blessed to have a team around me that supports me. I have zero cash. I'm going to be pulling dandelions out of my you know what but you do what you gotta do. I believe in myself and what I'm doing. This is mine. Now I have to pick three songs and bring them back to them this weekend.
I am so friggin' crazed. I got my kids baseball. I got this damn website that should have been done two months ago. I have to balance the books, get clients to pay, work with kids on Tuesdays for their talent show, plan a comedy fundraiser for my favorite charity, do homework with my kid, cook, clean and workout. All in a days work I guess.
I am so blessed to have a team around me that supports me. I have zero cash. I'm going to be pulling dandelions out of my you know what but you do what you gotta do. I believe in myself and what I'm doing. This is mine. Now I have to pick three songs and bring them back to them this weekend.
I am so friggin' crazed. I got my kids baseball. I got this damn website that should have been done two months ago. I have to balance the books, get clients to pay, work with kids on Tuesdays for their talent show, plan a comedy fundraiser for my favorite charity, do homework with my kid, cook, clean and workout. All in a days work I guess.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
17 days and counting
Well I put my song choices together and I'm really leaning towards an acoustic version of Lenny Kravitz's song "Thinking About You." Why? If there was one artist that I related to, it would be him. I love his style, his music, his depth and his sexiness. Oh, and his mind too. Lol.
I feel like I should be mum on what I'm doing to prepare because someone out there might steal my shit but honestly if it's going to be me, it's going to be me. That's leftover paranoia from a time far far back. Here are my thoughts on watching all of these contests. It's really about money. How much money can this artist make me? What is this artist's market audience? I have to sing a song that they can identify my market audience, type of artist and potential to earn in three minutes. I am ready to do that. I feel strong and yet I want to throw up. I find myself excited yet panicked.
I'm meeting with Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrari tomorrow to help me pick my song. They have been instrumental in helping me build my confidence, work on my performance and vocal skills. I love them. They aren't caddy or flippant. In a business where money is everything, they seem to care about me. It's very rare to find that. What I've learned is that I still don't trust my choices even though this one feels right. That's why people have teams. From a person who has trust issues, I have learned to be open and to listen.
I wasn't going to have anyone come with me on my audition either but I really do think having support would help a sista' feel stronger. Duh. My favorite DB Hilary is going to come and hang out with me. I am going to get my son and maybe one of his friends to come also. I want him to see me make it. I don't have to do this alone. I think I wanted to do this alone at first because I don't want people to see me fail and I don't want to be rejected but that's old school behavior. I deserve love. I deserve support and I won't fail because I've already won. I'm living my dream. How many people can say that?
I feel like I should be mum on what I'm doing to prepare because someone out there might steal my shit but honestly if it's going to be me, it's going to be me. That's leftover paranoia from a time far far back. Here are my thoughts on watching all of these contests. It's really about money. How much money can this artist make me? What is this artist's market audience? I have to sing a song that they can identify my market audience, type of artist and potential to earn in three minutes. I am ready to do that. I feel strong and yet I want to throw up. I find myself excited yet panicked.
I'm meeting with Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrari tomorrow to help me pick my song. They have been instrumental in helping me build my confidence, work on my performance and vocal skills. I love them. They aren't caddy or flippant. In a business where money is everything, they seem to care about me. It's very rare to find that. What I've learned is that I still don't trust my choices even though this one feels right. That's why people have teams. From a person who has trust issues, I have learned to be open and to listen.
I wasn't going to have anyone come with me on my audition either but I really do think having support would help a sista' feel stronger. Duh. My favorite DB Hilary is going to come and hang out with me. I am going to get my son and maybe one of his friends to come also. I want him to see me make it. I don't have to do this alone. I think I wanted to do this alone at first because I don't want people to see me fail and I don't want to be rejected but that's old school behavior. I deserve love. I deserve support and I won't fail because I've already won. I'm living my dream. How many people can say that?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
What the?
Okay, what the hell is wrong with America? Wisconsin and Idaho what is going on? You think ending the Union's collective bargaining power will eliminate the deficit? Is this the Republican way of getting more power to the state and respecting the people who put them in power? Disgusting.
I think I've picked the song I want to sing. I should have two songs. I am so damn broke right now but I'm bettin' all of what I have left on my Brown behind. I keep checking the site for more news. I am excited and overwhelmed.
I need to make time to just concentrate on this. It's hard. Family, website, business, bills. Grrrrr face as my son would say. I'm still lonely. I think I'll burn some more sage tonight. Please Universe give me peace of mind. One thing I do know is that I'm rising to the occasion. This is in my DNA. Can't nobody take my moment away from me.
I think I've picked the song I want to sing. I should have two songs. I am so damn broke right now but I'm bettin' all of what I have left on my Brown behind. I keep checking the site for more news. I am excited and overwhelmed.
I need to make time to just concentrate on this. It's hard. Family, website, business, bills. Grrrrr face as my son would say. I'm still lonely. I think I'll burn some more sage tonight. Please Universe give me peace of mind. One thing I do know is that I'm rising to the occasion. This is in my DNA. Can't nobody take my moment away from me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
X Factor Audition count down
Oh my hell. I had to call my BFF tonight to talk myself off a ledge. I found out that the X Factor auditions are in two and a half weeks. I got onto to the website and signed my name up for the info. Then I panicked. All I want to do is perform, make a living at it and be great. Part of me feels like this is it. The other part of me is nervous. I want to make the right song choice. I want to make sure my look, my energy, my voice, match the beauty within. I want to shine and succeed. I want Simon to look at me and say "Now this is why we have this competition. Brilliant."
I've been so close, so many times. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of almost but not quite. It's like tasting something you can't swallow or smelling something you can't feel. It's like getting to that point of ecstasy and stopping the motion.
I really just want to be the best I can be. I want to walk in there and be IT. I have IT. I really do. This is my calling. . .
I've been so close, so many times. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of almost but not quite. It's like tasting something you can't swallow or smelling something you can't feel. It's like getting to that point of ecstasy and stopping the motion.
I really just want to be the best I can be. I want to walk in there and be IT. I have IT. I really do. This is my calling. . .
Monday, March 7, 2011
Putting People on Blast
Things that make you go hmmm . . .
Seeing a big sign on a hotel that boasts, "Clean Rooms." Shouldn't that be just a given? That's like putting up a sign at a restaurant that say, "No Roaches Here." Makes you wonder why exactly they had to post that.
Mark Cuban is a Douche
Whose a douche? There's a douche. No matter how you look at; Dallas Mavericks Owner and HDNet Channel owner Mark Cuban is a douche. He wants to exploit Mr. Sheen with a reality show. I know we all laugh at Charlie Sheen but the truth of the matter is, he is a very sick man who is killing himself with drugs and alcohol. He has kids and a family who love him and are watching this very public incomprehensible demoralization with the kind of pain you don't wish on anyone.
Think about it.
Would we be parading around a cancer survivor or someone with a deadly disease, looking for the next sound bite, if we knew they were going to die? What's up with that? Mark Cuban, you are a schmuck. Taking advantage of a man who has clearly lost his marbles for ratings and cash, is why America has fallen down the moral scale, unseemingly able to get up.
Freedom Revolution
Gas prices are skyrocketing because of the freedom revolution going on in the Middle East. In less than a month, gas has risen about 33 cents a gallon. President Obama is thinking about dipping into our reserves to help with the rising cost of gas. How bout we stop driving gas guzzlers, carpool and take other means of transportation?
Maybe if we had listened to Al Gore and started pushing for more hybrid and electric vehicles, people wouldn't have to eBay their next of kin or take out a third mortgage on the house they still can't find the job to pay the rent for, to fill up their tank. Thank you again Mr. Bush, for allowing companies to outsource our livelihoods to people we can't even understand on the phone.
No More Fingerpointing
People continue to point fingers at Obama, like he is some sort of magician and the state of the nation is his fault. He walked into a disaster zone. He has been doing his best to make sure people are able to feed their families while they assessed the severity of the situation. The situation being a bunch of greedy ass corporations, Republicans, banks and one Bernie Madoff who lied, cheated and stole our futures, our pasts and are wreaking havoc on our present because they don't have a conscious.
They are unwilling to share what is rightfully ours. The American Dream. They gave it away to the highest bidder - China for the most part. It may be soon that we to, take a stand at our state and national capitals and effectively kick their asses out. Let Obama do the job we voted him in to do. Those people in Congress, trying to eliminate money from teachers, education, unions, programs like Planned Parenthood and the list goes on, are not representing me. They are bunch of cockblockers, no different than Muammar Gaddafi, the former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Osama Bid Laden or Fidel Castro. They don't care about us.
I'm glad the folks in Wisconsin are up in arms. Stay strong. The Freedom Revolution is here and many of us are sick and damn tired of not being able to fulfill our dreams because we are struggling to feed our families. I said it over ten years ago and I'll say it again until I don't have.
The time for talk is over.
Seeing a big sign on a hotel that boasts, "Clean Rooms." Shouldn't that be just a given? That's like putting up a sign at a restaurant that say, "No Roaches Here." Makes you wonder why exactly they had to post that.
Mark Cuban is a Douche
Whose a douche? There's a douche. No matter how you look at; Dallas Mavericks Owner and HDNet Channel owner Mark Cuban is a douche. He wants to exploit Mr. Sheen with a reality show. I know we all laugh at Charlie Sheen but the truth of the matter is, he is a very sick man who is killing himself with drugs and alcohol. He has kids and a family who love him and are watching this very public incomprehensible demoralization with the kind of pain you don't wish on anyone.
Think about it.
Would we be parading around a cancer survivor or someone with a deadly disease, looking for the next sound bite, if we knew they were going to die? What's up with that? Mark Cuban, you are a schmuck. Taking advantage of a man who has clearly lost his marbles for ratings and cash, is why America has fallen down the moral scale, unseemingly able to get up.
Freedom Revolution
Gas prices are skyrocketing because of the freedom revolution going on in the Middle East. In less than a month, gas has risen about 33 cents a gallon. President Obama is thinking about dipping into our reserves to help with the rising cost of gas. How bout we stop driving gas guzzlers, carpool and take other means of transportation?
Maybe if we had listened to Al Gore and started pushing for more hybrid and electric vehicles, people wouldn't have to eBay their next of kin or take out a third mortgage on the house they still can't find the job to pay the rent for, to fill up their tank. Thank you again Mr. Bush, for allowing companies to outsource our livelihoods to people we can't even understand on the phone.
No More Fingerpointing
People continue to point fingers at Obama, like he is some sort of magician and the state of the nation is his fault. He walked into a disaster zone. He has been doing his best to make sure people are able to feed their families while they assessed the severity of the situation. The situation being a bunch of greedy ass corporations, Republicans, banks and one Bernie Madoff who lied, cheated and stole our futures, our pasts and are wreaking havoc on our present because they don't have a conscious.
They are unwilling to share what is rightfully ours. The American Dream. They gave it away to the highest bidder - China for the most part. It may be soon that we to, take a stand at our state and national capitals and effectively kick their asses out. Let Obama do the job we voted him in to do. Those people in Congress, trying to eliminate money from teachers, education, unions, programs like Planned Parenthood and the list goes on, are not representing me. They are bunch of cockblockers, no different than Muammar Gaddafi, the former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Osama Bid Laden or Fidel Castro. They don't care about us.
I'm glad the folks in Wisconsin are up in arms. Stay strong. The Freedom Revolution is here and many of us are sick and damn tired of not being able to fulfill our dreams because we are struggling to feed our families. I said it over ten years ago and I'll say it again until I don't have.
The time for talk is over.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Only the Lonely
Here am I with thoughts of WINNING, trolls and fools running throughout my brain. This brain that the normal brain can't wrap itself around. I don't know whether it's the tiger blood or the genetically engineered blood from Greek Gods that have made me so magnificent or whether it's my Goddesses that bring me to another level. All I know is that I'm trying to live in the moments within the moments. Choose your vice. . . Thank you Charlie Sheen for taking my mind off of what ails me. Thank you for making me see how far I've come in the last five plus years. I know those thoughts, those feelings and he's either gonna die or he is gonna get it. I hope he gets it. Addiction is a deadly disease.
Blogging. I've been using my Facebook as my blog. But my Facebook doesn't keep the history of what I'm going through. I've been doing taxes lately and trying to get our business off the ground by building a website and getting a better accounting system going. All I can say about that is I want to rip my f'n face off and shove it up my own ass. I'm trying to not be angry about the time wasted because certain parties weren't on board. I'm trying but it's not going so good.
I'm really lonely right now. I keep plugging away. I am working on a new show idea. I don't have a lot of funds. I'm trying to run our family business, raise money for my music business, take care of my kid and figure out what the hell is going on with my relationship.
Share in a general way. It's tough. We are from two different worlds. We've been together forever and right now I just feel disconnected and lonely. I don't know who we are as a couple anymore. It makes me sad and as much as I'd like to blame it all on him, I can't. I have a hard time forgiving. I have a hard time trusting. Right now I am just having a hard time moving forward.
I hate how I feel inside when I'm home. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary but right now it's just a major source on contention. A person needs a place to call home. I need a place where I feel safe and secure. Right now I just feel angry and defensive. I've been praying for God to relieve this bitterness in my heart and it's not working.
What's working. I keep talking about it. I keep praying about it and keep moving forward. I used to self-destruct and screw myself over if my house wasn't in order. Today I don't, today I won't do that. I'm not going down that road again. I don't know what's going to happen but I've learned if I hang in there, do the work and give it over, things do get better.
I believe in myself. I believe my thoughts influence my actions. No matter what, I know that I'm on right path. I have so much inside of me that I know will help others. It's just a matter of time.
Blogging. I've been using my Facebook as my blog. But my Facebook doesn't keep the history of what I'm going through. I've been doing taxes lately and trying to get our business off the ground by building a website and getting a better accounting system going. All I can say about that is I want to rip my f'n face off and shove it up my own ass. I'm trying to not be angry about the time wasted because certain parties weren't on board. I'm trying but it's not going so good.
I'm really lonely right now. I keep plugging away. I am working on a new show idea. I don't have a lot of funds. I'm trying to run our family business, raise money for my music business, take care of my kid and figure out what the hell is going on with my relationship.
Share in a general way. It's tough. We are from two different worlds. We've been together forever and right now I just feel disconnected and lonely. I don't know who we are as a couple anymore. It makes me sad and as much as I'd like to blame it all on him, I can't. I have a hard time forgiving. I have a hard time trusting. Right now I am just having a hard time moving forward.
I hate how I feel inside when I'm home. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary but right now it's just a major source on contention. A person needs a place to call home. I need a place where I feel safe and secure. Right now I just feel angry and defensive. I've been praying for God to relieve this bitterness in my heart and it's not working.
What's working. I keep talking about it. I keep praying about it and keep moving forward. I used to self-destruct and screw myself over if my house wasn't in order. Today I don't, today I won't do that. I'm not going down that road again. I don't know what's going to happen but I've learned if I hang in there, do the work and give it over, things do get better.
I believe in myself. I believe my thoughts influence my actions. No matter what, I know that I'm on right path. I have so much inside of me that I know will help others. It's just a matter of time.
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