4 days . . .

I feel like I'm in surreal town. I got Simon's email about XFactor and I literally started to panic. I watched the video about the 5 hints to successful auditioning and I immediately started second guessing myself and everyone around me. He says be original. Well, how the hell can you be original singing other people's songs? (I know it can be done, I'm just venting.) Pepper and John say when you sing a cover you gotta sing the first line like the song and then put your own spin on it. So now what?

Now what is have faith Mrs. Christina. The force is guiding you. Thy will be done. I am afraid to make a mistake because as Simon put it, this might be my last shot doing something like this. If I could only add a little more pressure to the situation right?

Oh and then HE starts talking about how my dress isn't sexy enough. But I am sexy enough you &%$#@! Clothes don't make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. Fact is, I just don't trust his judgement anymore. But he got into my head. I can't have that shit. Now I have to go and bring it to other people to make sure it's the right look. Arghhhhh.

Girlfriend, you gotta stay strong. You won't do this perfectly but you will give it everything you have. People love you and support you. They want to see you succeed as much as you do. You can do this. Don't you just love how I just spoke to myself in third person? Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out.

7 Days and Finding Perspective

It rained all damn day. I loved it. All I wanted to do was stay in my robe and watch it fall. I helped my son study for his midterms and worked on my songs. I got into a little tiff with HIM and it started to sour my mood. All my thoughts started to sour. Why didn't you go see your friend run in the LA Marathon today? Bad friend. Why haven't you done this and that? Why haven't you called HER? Yuck. Feeling bad is so comfortable. It gives me reason to not succeed. I was preoccupied by . . . I couldn't concentrate because . . . I was angry when . . . you get the idea.

For me, failure is not an option. I want to reach my highest potential. I noticed I haven't wanted to say out loud to too many people that I'm going to make it on this show. I haven't said to people I want to win. Why? Because if I don't make it, then I'm a laughing stock or people will feel sorry for me or I'll be a failure. Whatever. I'm just tired of giving myself the option to not succeed. Well, just showing up is good enough. I hope I can make it on the show. Those aren't the thoughts of a winner. That's me playing it safe.

I'm talented enough. I've worked hard enough and I can be the next XFactor. Can I predict what the judges will think or what the people will vote for? No, but I can predict without question that I will give it everything I have, be amazing and entertain people every week. That has to count for something. I'm not leaving anything up for chance. I'm turning over every rock and looking in the crannies. Mama is ready for the next level. Trust.

But then perspective hit me today. I found out two of my friends died. No one knows why, they were about my age. My friend Sasha, left a wife and son. Our kids played baseball together and were in the same youth dodgeball league. I just saw him a few weeks ago. He was the same old crazy, shit talkin', completely inappropriately funny guy. Now he is gone. It just makes me sad.

It made me think about what would Zander do without his father? How would he feel? How would I feel? What would we do? It made me not want to waste anymore time feeling unhappy. I feel for his kid and for his wife. Life is short. I really want to forgive and move on but nothing changes if nothing changes. Things like this really put things into perspective for me.

8 days . . .

I don't know whether it was the big, full moon I couldn't see because of the damn clouds or if I'm really getting back in touch with my spiritual essence. I said some things today while I was rehearsing for this show that resonated so clearly with me. It just felt right. It gave me goosebumps.

I said I wanted to prove to myself and show that person that told me I was going to worthless, like my father, that this is my home. I belong on the big stage and I am destined for greatness. I cried a little bit because I've spent my life living for other people's love and approval. I let a few people take me on a path that wasn't mine to be on. While I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, I would have done things differently given the opportunity.

Today, I'm really grateful. I realized it's not my story anymore. I can look at myself in the mirror and feel true joy when I'm singing again. I felt that essence, fleeting as it was, last night and tonight. It's really about having faith and letting go. Of course, it's about practicing. You just can't show up and say, "Hey Spirit of the Universe, make it happen." You have to do the work. I feel like I'm doing the work and it's paying off.

I asked myself what made me different from all the other contestants. I laughed. I looked at myself in the mirror and started spewing some bullshit at first. I ignored my instinct that said to say "I am Christina Simos. There is no one out there like me. Thank God. Lol. Because we'd all be in trouble." I went back to it and I added that it was my chops, my hair, my ass, my spirit and my "No matter what, I don't give up," attitude that sets me apart from the other contestants. I changed ass to derriere because it's more PC.

All in all, I felt like I got it today. The very essence of my DNA was created for the stage. No one can or will deny me that anymore. I asked myself a question I had heard Simon ask on the XFactor UK. Why haven't you made it?

"Honestly, someone I loved told me that only special people make it in this business and I should find another path to follow. Something inside my broke and I followed a path that wasn't mine. I was very accomplished but dead inside. By the time I got back on the path my DNA had clearly written for me, I found myself pregnant. I set everything aside to be the best mom I could to my son. Now it's time to be an example to him, myself and others that if it is to be, it will be. You keep doing the work and no matter what, you don't give up. You either die doing what you love or you die. (I just added that one for humor) Lol."

I'm on a mission. Great things are going to happen for me. It's going to inspire many as I find my authentic self on this next journey. Mark my words.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

10 days . . .

Yesterday was obnoxious with more obnoxious added on to it. I refused to write anything because I was just being pig-headed and had nothing nice to say. When I came home tonight I was calm, cool and collected. I had a pretty good day. Then HE opened his mouth and started talking about how SHE thinks I'm a four letter word that starts with a "C" because I haven't returned any the calls SHE hasn't made to me. Really? It's always something. I'm not even going to dignify the entire conversation other than to say, this is why I have intimacy and trust issues. This is why I have a huge wall up with THESE two people in particular. Who says shit like that? How exactly is one to respond to comments like that? With love?

Anywho, I am not letting that get in my way. Too many times I let hateful words from people who are supposed to love me, take me down. Why? Because on some certain level, I have believed it to be true. But I deserve love. I deserve better. I'm not a saint but I don't go out of my way to be hateful or to try to intentionally hurt people. It's my belief that we are supposed to help each other rise and be the best we can be. It's so easy to be a hater.

I had a great vocal/performance lesson today. I'm still so nervous in front of Pepper. She looks right thru me, I sware. My whole perfectionism starts rearing it's ugly head. That need to please gets triggered. They taught me some more little tricks today that just astound me. They are amazing. She told me that my facial expressions lead my voice when it should be the other way around. I also think that I'm still afraid to show all of me which is why I squint or squish my face when I sing which she told me to stop doing immediately because it wasn't cute and I wasn't connecting with the audience. Lol. I love her.

I have a really good voice. With the proper training, I'm going to be a great singer/performer. One of my friends was talking about her singing lesson and how her voice was her God space essentially. I used to think that about mine when I was a kid. I would just open my mouth and this voice would come out of me that was so beautiful. I didn't realize it but that was God. When she said that, I was reminded again that God is inside me and surrounding me. When I fell on hard times, I thought I had lost that spiritual essence of my voice. I had blind faith back then. I know it's in me and I'm so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to find that beauty, that spiritual essence, again. It's a gift that I long to give back to myself so that I can share it with the rest of the world.

12 days . . .

Sometimes I really don't like being bodily and mentally different from my fellows. I get this craziness going on in my head and I just get mad. I start ranting and raving in my head about what's wrong with the world, people, my life, etc. I don't even think I'm mad or MAD until people start looking at me like I'm crazy. Then I'm frustrated because I don't want to be like that. Happy, joyous and free. That's what I like, not the crazy, mad black woman.

I was working on my songs and it just didn't come easy to me. I was cleaning my apartment and working on the arrangement when I sang something brilliant but I wasn't recording it. I ran for my recorder but to no avail. I never got the melody back. It really pisses me off when I do that.

It started with a terrible workout. I was tired. I came home and I just didn't get into the groove. Then I went to the school to work with the kids and the energy on the campus was just ewwwhhh. Seems like no one is happy. It makes me sad. They all say they miss my presence and that was really not what I wanted to happen. I left a blueprint on how to do stuff and it feels like a certain few people just ripped up and threw it away. It's really disappointing.

Maybe it was just me and my whole attitude. Today just wasn't a good, productive day with the exception of working with those kids. I love them. My son and I got into it. I just wanted him to write a damn hook sentence for his research paper. He was tired too. I think that daylight savings time finally caught up with us. I should have let it go but I was in crazy mode so I didn't. Guess how that went?

So I'm just gonna chalk it up as one of those days that a girl goes through. Tomorrow is another day.

13 days . . .

The Universe is a truly beautiful thing. Yesterday my panties were in a ruffle because I didn't know how I was going to take care of all the commitments I have. Today, help arrived. My mentor said she'd help me edit my website pages. Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrari showed me in 45 minutes how to fix my voice. It's crazy. They gave me simple, minor adjustments to make that I've been trying to do for quite awhile with a very small measure of success. It seems so elementary now.

This doesn't happen without me asking for help. I used to think asking for help was a sign of weakness but since I figured out that I wasn't Omnipotent, asking for help has actually helped me to grow immensely. It takes my unneeded ego out of the picture and allows for my heart center to expand.

I worked on my music today the way I wanted to. I am forever self-conscious because my man and I work together out of the house. We also have neighbors and I don't want them to hear me sounding off when I'm working out my songs. I can't really afford to care about what they think though because at the end of the day - none of them can sign me to a contract, give me the exposure I need or pay my damn bills.

I know what I need to do and I'm unstoppable right now. I did have another piece of chocolate cake though. Argghhhh. I told myself Monday was the day to cut everything out but the cake was here when I got home and it said I must not waste the cake. So I didn't.

In other news, the school my son is going to sent me a letter today telling me that Zander can stay at the school for about way more than we can afford. They want $1000 by April 15th and $800 a month after. I want to pay it but we don't have that. I don't know what that means but somethings gotta give soon. I can't even begin to think about putting Zander back into LAUSD. I guess I'm going to be giving that over as well.

Tiara's and baseball . . . 14 days left

I spent three hours working on my songs and studying other auditions tonight. For me, not enough time but it was Sunday, homework and my kids baseball game. I have to say that I was a complete ass today at his game. I was just pissed off because I wanted to be practicing my music but I made a commitment to be there for my kid. I said family comes first. I don't really know what that means right now. If I take care of myself and do the work I'm supposed to in order to get where I want to be, does that make me selfish? Does that make me a bad mom?

I was pissed I had to be there today and the damn coach wasn't even there. There were coaches there that have probably never played ball in there life trying to coach the team. It just set me off. I'm really competitive. If a play isn't good, you don't tell the kids it was. That doesn't make them try harder. It doesn't make the team better.

My kid seems to have very little confidence in the coaching so he is trying to make his own judgement calls. I think that's a little dangerous because once he thinks he knows it all, he stops learning and growing. I just wanted to sock somebody in the face. He slide into second, got a little dirt burn on his elbow and they wanted to take him out. THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! I'm not saying you shouldn't look and make sure the kid is OK but for the love of God, it's a sport. They are going to get bumps and bruises. Let them play. Don't coddle them and have them sit out because someone banged their knee or the ball hit them too hard in the glove. Seriously. Next thing you know they'll impose speed limits on how fast the kids run so they don't trip on the base and hurt themselves. What's up with that? Maybe I should bring them Tiara's instead of helmets next week. Arghhhh.

I don't know what to make a priority right now and I'm frustrated. I've got this damn website that is unfinished and a thorn in my side. It will bring in business when it is done. We are down to almost our last dollar and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm so close. I just want to focus on nailing this audition. I know I have to work on our business though or else we will be living out of our car or something.

Well Universe. It's me and you again. My heart says work the hell out of my songs for the next two weeks but if I do, I may not be able to pay my bills next month. Got any ideas?I guess this is where faith comes in. I keep saying we always manage. Let's see if this is true.