No More Secrets

LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF:

I had to keep secrets. I had to do things that no child should ever have to do with other children and adults that broke me for a very long time. I had to keep quiet. I could do nothing. I was powerless. I couldn't help anyone, not even myself. Today, I realize I'm still not over it. I'm not some floundering, soul sick, heart broken woman anymore but it apparently still colors how I relate to people and how I have relationships in my life. Those experiences have made me stronger but I guess I'm still feeling guilty. I'm having a hard time trying to understand that I was just a kid and it wasn't my fault. I did what I had to do to survive and I find zero comfort in that.

Somewhere along the road I made a decision that I would never keep secrets again. I would never allow another person to touch me if I didn't want to be touched. I would never not speak up if I thought somebody was in harms way. I would fight the way that little girl wanted to fight but couldn't. Not only was I gonna fight for her but I made a decision to fight for everyone else out there who had to shut up, take it, get over it, forget it about, be shamed for it, blamed for it and exiled because of it. No one should experience what I did. No one. Unfortunately my story is way too common.

Now that desire for justice has served me in many ways. I consider myself to be an advocate for basic human rights. Blah, blah, blah. What this means is I've been through a lot. I've been able to come to terms with many of my life experiences and because I have found forgiveness thru a Higher Power, I've been able to piece back that shattered soul of mine.

What I'm dealing with today is a new layer of sadness. I guess we do deal with things in layers. About a year or so ago - I began to recall more memories of past sexual abuse. It didn't hit me hard though. It was like "Oh, that sucks," but nothing crippling or traumatic.

Cut to an episode in my life where those childhood feelings began playing themselves out again. It felt like I had to be quiet, keep secrets, get over it and shut up. All of a sudden I'm seven again. "It's wrong what's going on and people are going to hurt." My insides scream. So I spoke up. I spoke out. I spoke on and over and spoke LOUDLY. I'm never gonna shut up I said to myself because people's lives are at stake.

I confronted this person because for me - if you have an issue - you must go to the source. It was the look in this person's eyes that set me the hell off. That no one will ever believe you look and your crazy. Honey, it triggered something in me and that was it. I followed that up with a little character assassination, a fuck you or two or three and kinda' lost my head for a minute until I did an inventory on what was really going on. I have to say that I'm not sorry I said something. I'm sorry for the way I reacted.

I realized that even though I was a child, I still blame myself on some level for not being able to help those kids. I know logically I couldn't have done anything but I think if I had been braver, stronger, more courageous - I could have stopped it. I could have saved them from what I went through.

And there is my whole life's work up until this point. I could have saved them because somehow I'm God. So now anytime I see anyone else strugglin' - I feel compelled to do something because I couldn't do anything when I was a child. So does this mean I stop? Stop trying to do good and help wherever I can? I don't know. I have always helped people and I don't thing I could ever not do it. It's part of who I am.

I guess the next order of business is to forgive myself again. I'm not God. I can't save everybody. Right now, I just feel a numbing sadness like I can't go there again. I just can't go back into that darkness. I won't. I always tell people the only way around shit is to go through it. One thing I do know is that I'm not alone. My Creator is here. You are here. I know people care. I care.

So I get to make amends, do some more work and maybe go see somebody about my "problems." Oh, joy. What's Up With That? Ahhh, contempt prior to investigation will get me nowhere fast so I'll just remain open and be willing to do whatever I need to do to let go and move on.

I Choose to Love Myself

I haven't been blogging because I've been super busy but I need to get back in the habit of writing what's going on. I feel like this is an important time in my life.

I've booked the San Francisco Pride Mainstage. I'll be performing on Sunday, June 27th. I feel like I was finally validated - someone saw my talent and gave me an opportunity to shine. LA Pride - not so much. I guess you can't have me and Kelis on the same stage. I'm positive the Universe has a plan for me and this is better than what I would have planned.

What I've been dealing with is showing up for myself. I'm scared and I don't know what's going to happen. I know the greatness inside of me. I've been taught over the last five years to surrender to the powers that be. Standing up for myself and not sabotaging my opportunity is my priority.

I'm dealing with messy people right now. People that lie, spin tales and play games. People that I'm not even sure are sober and you know what? It doesn't matter. This is my life. I can't leave it up to someone else to make it happen for me. I have to have conversations I don't want to have. I have to do things that I don't want to do. It's because I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to go to it. I want to live my dreams. I want to shine not shrink.

So I choose to love myself. I choose to be the best I can be. I'm not doing everything I can right now but I'm doing the best I can. I have this kids show that I'm doing and it's over next Friday. I swear on my mother, some of these kids need a beat down. I think I've been around too long to remember what it was like to be in elementary school. I think there is something really wrong with the way kids treat adults. Nobody says please, thank you. It's very disturbing. They look at you like your crazy when you say things like "respect and listen." Sometimes I feel like a failure but there are those kids that are so talented, open and present that it doesn't feel like a total loss. I'm pretty sure I will not do this again and if I do - I'm gonna choose the kids I want to work with. I have a lot to offer and I don't like wasting my gifts on people that don't appreciate it.

I am weary but focused. I am scared but driven. I am showing up and taking my HP with me. I don't know what's going to happen but I'm going to give it everything I've got right now.

Ego in check

I am going back into the studio on Saturday to work on another song. I did Wrap It Up last week and I thought I did a fairly good job on the vocals. Somethings needed to be tweaked. It's starting to come together and I'm really excited about it.

Today I lost my cookies because I haven't been putting my music first. I did last week and this week I'm putting together this talent show with 80 kids in it. I thought I'd be able to work my music and the talent show together but it's not working so well. I have to be more disciplined. I got angry at some crap going on in the school and almost got caught up into it when a little voice told me - this is familiar.

My little head is playing games again. Let's go over here and tackle this. You can get to your stuff tomorrow. What is up with that? Clarity. I'm not going down that road again. I have a mission. I will be performing at LA Pride this June. I'll be selling merchandise. I'll have booked the Pride circuit and will be making a living doing what I love. I will not turn on myself.

The ego is funny thing. It had my panties all in a bunch today. I sent an email I shouldn't have sent and copied it to people who really didn't need to read it. I wanted to make some people pay for pissing me off, hurting my feelings and being douche bags. I was having conversations, playing out scenarios in my head that didn't need to played out. I should have been strategizing on my wardrobe or my music. It was an all too familiar place. Smells like self-sabotage.

What I love is that I'm open and teachable. I've let people get to know me so they call me out when I start actin' a fool. A friend of mine came and sat down next to me, smiling and searching for the right way to say - it's your ego again silly. Suddenly the tension went out of my body and I started laughing. She's right. So now I get to make amends for creating chaos and get my mind back on my music and my music back on my mind.

It's Yes, We Can - Not Yes, He Can

One man can't change politics as usual by himself and what idiot believed Obama could change an f*d up system in one year? Let’s get real. Did we all forget what he walked into?

When he came here the economy was in shambles. Wall Street tanked. Banks were bankrupt. Jobs were non-existent. People were losing their homes left and right. Gas was so expensive; people were turning to public transportation. This was before he took office.

How quickly we forget George Bush and his fellow Republicans who outsourced jobs, started a war we should never have been in and basically stepped on Middle America, the poor and under-represented folks like cockroaches for eight years. How quickly we forget that we went from a 208 billion dollar surplus under former President Bill Clinton to a trillion dollar deficit in eight years. How quickly we forget that it was people spending beyond their means and not taking any action to stop the bleeding that helped bring this economy to its knees.

It was a grassroots effort that got Obama into office. It’ll be a grassroots effort from the people that will make the real change happen. The strength of our union relies on us people getting up and taking action. One man can’t do it alone and he shouldn’t be made to. It was “yes, we can,” not yes, he can.

What do I worry about? I worry about healthcare because I have none and I pay $125 a month to make sure my son is taken care of. I worry about credit card rates because we were late one time and now our percentage rate is 24.99 %. We have had our small business for a year and can’t get credit because the banks aren’t lending the money we bailed them out with.

I worry about education. I am sickened with the fact that our state spends more money on prisons than schools. Right now the Los Angeles Unified School District is trying to cut Arts programs from its core curriculum. No drama, no visual art/arts classes, theater, dance or music. They are even looking at cutting athletic programs too because they have a 500 million dollar deficit. So our children pay for the greed of corporate America and the fact that only a portion of CA residents pay taxes. Yeah, I said it. I also agree that no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. My husband owes so much in student loans. It’s fundamentally wrong.

We need a damn revolution. Action, action and more action needs to take place. It’s not easy but we have someone in office ready to fight for us and he will fail if we don’t fight side-by-side with him for what we voted him in to do.

We have to do more than write our congressmen, senators and representatives. Maybe we need to have a million person “Cut your Crap in Congress” march. We need to send letters or Facebook message pages to all the rest of those douche bags in Congress that think the same ole, same ole is okay and tell them it’s not.

Either way, we need to support our President. He’s fighting for us. I want him to win. He can’t be right a 100 percent of the time. He will make mistakes. He’ll falter. He may even fall. I, for one, will be there to help pick him up and dust him off.

This man gave me my dreams back. You can’t quantify that and though I may never see my 40 acres and a mule - I still operate under yes, we can. Yes, we should and yes, we will.

It's All In The Tone

Tone. It can make you or break you.

My producer called me up after I had blogged last week about expressing creative differences. My heart was in my throat. I thought he was going to be mad. What's up with that? Turned out, he had not even read the blog as I sat there stumbling for the "right" words to explain what had happened was. He read it later and said jokingly - man, I'm never gonna get work now. That tone kept things light and open.

See, we are still in discovery mode. It's like we are dancing and trying to find each others rhythm. He's damn good at what he does and puts things into perspective for me. Me, I know stuff, have great instincts, raw talent but I get lost in translation due to majoring in journalism in college rather than music. Anyway, that's a "If My Scars Could Talk," moment. It's my tone he says. Ahha. My voice didn't marry the music explanation is about tone. Now I know the technical term for what I was feeling. With knowledge comes power.

He said I sounded uncomfortable and it was difficult to find a take where I really owned the lyrics. Truth is, I was uncomfortable. I have to get real with having issues owning my sex appeal. I've been hiding so long under faux soccer mom clothes that I've kinda' lost the connection to that fiercely sexy woman I used to be. I also haven't had an elixir to bring Mrs. Thang out for nearly five years. I have a kid. I work with elementary kids so you have to dress and act a certain way. It's very vanilla. As a survivor of sexual abuse - I've had to work on deleting the message in my head that said to be sexy, means I'll be hurt. It's been very hard to integrate that part of me back into my every day life. I'm working on it. I'm not a child anymore. I have a voice. There is power in that voice and within me. I need to own all of me and quite frankly - I want to. Time to stop playing it safe.

The music I'm working on right now fits my tone better. It moves me. I like to have fun, dance and all that but I really connect to lyrics that are spiritually empowering. These two songs that I'm about to record move me. This one song called "Wrap It Up," has just captured a sista'. The music is emotional. It's rock and soul. The sound is more me than anything I've done. I can't wait to get into the studio this weekend.

It's exciting to be reaching beyond my comfort zone again. I really like the fact that I'm not sabotaging myself right now. I've finished putting my website information together. I'm going through my drawers this week to give clothes away that I'm not sure anyone will want to wear. I've been rehearsing every day because I am choosing to set the tone for my career, for my spirit. The Grammy's are this week. I want to be there next year. I've had this acceptance speech written since I was a kid. Of course, it's changed over the years but one day I will deliver it. I believe that if I keep my eye on the prize, there is no reason why I won't.

Sometimes I have to Laugh or I'll Cry

A friend of mine called me yesterday frustrated because every time it rains - her driver's side window comes down and stays down. She's had it fixed a million times. Each time they tell her it's okay. Then it rains and it's not. She tells me she spent the day driving somewhere she didn't want to go to with her finger on the window button trying to get the window up and her hand on the steering wheel. "Really," she said looking up at the sky. "My life is overwhelming right now and then this happens. Really?" It was one of those moments either you laugh or cry.

Today, it rained again. I'm driving my man's other lover - his rebuilt (still rebuilding) 1987 Nissan 280z because my car is still in Vegas being repaired, nearly two months later. It's dripping water in my lap from a leak in T-Tops. I am using a rusty t-shirt to soak up the water in my seat. He has rigged two shifters in the car. One to use on the street. The other to use if I am so bold enough as to get on the highway. I can't find a long-sleeve shirt to wear in the rain because I haven't bought any clothes for myself since 1999, the year my son was born. I drive some place I don't want to go to and when I get there, I find out I'm not even supposed to be there. I get back in my drippy car, drive to get a taco at Baja Fresh and I lock the keys in the car. I think of my friend. It was either laugh or cry.

But wait, it gets better. My man comes to save his mistress and I only to be honked at and cussed at by some douche bag woman in a Jaguar. Apparently he didn't move his car fast enough for her and instead of letting me exit my parking spot to get behind him, she blocks me in and a stand-off ensued. "Why can't you let her out," he asks? "What is wrong with you? Call the cops!" he yells. "What are you doing," I ask him? It's so absurd to be in a stand-off at the Beverly Center Plaza parking lot because some lady is just being a douche bag. I just looked at the both of them. Really? What is up with that? Finally, he leaves, much to his chagrin. I pull up to her at the light. I can't help but call her an f'n douche bag and we both go our separate ways. Scene.

But wait, there's more. I get home and the man is now mad at me. He says, "You didn't hear her honk her horn at me and tell me to get my f'n bald head out of the f'n way?" "No, I didn't." I respond. Blah, blah, blah. Wah, Wah, Wah. If I fought with every rude douche on the road - I'd never get anything done. Pick your battles. I don't have time or energy to waste on crap like that anymore. So now I'm in my son's room blogging while he's in our living room ranting about what's wrong with people in LA and how he'd rather be in Mogadishu fighting for food.

Right now I have to concentrate on what is really worth my time and energy. I just cashed in my 401k so I could buy studio time, get my website up and running again, buy some clothes that, I don't know, fit me and bring me into the 21st century. I took a big hit and risk cashing in my 401k but I have to believe in myself because if I don't - who will? You do what you have to do to get to where you want to go. I feel a bit shamed because my man is mad at me for not engaging with that woman. I feel like I let him down by not beating the snot out of her or something. That kinda stupid fight is just not in me. So my guess is that we won't be gettin' together tonight as planned. Ahhh, left to my own devices . . .

Sometimes I just have to laugh or I'll cry.

The Problem Isn't Racism

OBAMA AND 2010

Today I watched this two-hour discussion on MSNBC about Obama's first year, race and politics. It's interesting to watch people dance around discrimination, stereotypes, racism. I've had a view of racism from both sides. Black folk thought I was too light. White folk thought I was too black. I always felt like an outsider looking in.

The fact is, racism exists. Just because we have a Half-Rican American president doesn't mean we have absolved ourselves of our past. It just means that we are moving forward. Slowly. It means we get to have conversations among all races about race, about our history, about our prejudices. Each race has its own stereotypes. Behind closed doors we all talk about each other. Now we get to do it openly and because of that we have a chance to change. We have a chance to ask ourselves why we think and believe the way we do. How do we make it better?

For me, racism is ignorance. If you really want to make it right, fix this broke ass educational system. That is where the problem and the solution lies. We need equal access to education. Equal access to the tools and skills needed to be successful, happy human beings. Everyone has a gift. A reason for being here and until we have the opportunity to explore what that is - these issues will be around like plastic in the landfills.

I have a dream that one day all children will have an opportunity to be whatever they want to be. I have a dream that one day I'll have a hand in changing the way we educate our youth. I have a dream that one day we will look at each other as brothers and sisters, human beings, people just trying to find their way in this world. Until then, I work. I pray. I hope.