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This was actually written March 28th.

I didn't make it.

The guy said no and just like that, it was over. I'm not an excuse maker. I can't believe I didn't make it thru the first round. I saw a old women in a walker and a blind guy make it but when I went up there, the guy didn't even look at me while I was singing. It was like singing to a wall. A wall that didn't like me.

I could second guess what happened. I got there early, they put me in the wrong group. I should have gone first but ended up being the last group in. By the time I figured out something was not right, they rushed me and this other girl in but the mind set was different. Theirs and mine. The ones for the show were in that first group, the one I was supposed to be in.

I was pitchy but I was good. I spent the last night sucking down emergence C and Thera Flu. I was poppin' throat lozenges the day of. I thought to myself, people sing sick all the time. Professionals make it work. I look great, my performance skills are on point. I thought I good enough to move on but he said no. I now understand how some people lose their cookies on the audition floor. I was upset. You know when people are listening. He looked right thru me. He closed his eyes and didn't even take in the whole package. I make a living connecting with others. That's a huge part of what I do.

I feel cheated. I feel like I did everything right and it wasn't good enough. Again. All I hear is HER voice saying, "only special people make it in the industry." Get a job you worthless piece of crap. I don't understand what the Universe wants from me or if it has anything to do with what happened to me or if I'm just supposed to quit now and get a job at 7-11 where my talents will really be of use to people.

What's the point of having this talent? I'm almost 40. I've been trying to make a living at this for years to no avail. I'm still broke. I'm well known in a small community. I have no idea how we are going to pay for my son's school. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent considering I sunk more money we didn't have into this opportunity because I was sure it was going to pay off.

It just doesn't make sense to me. I keep reliving in my head what happened. What did I do wrong? Should I have done this instead of that. Should I have said, hey asshole look at me when I'm singing? Should I have said, I'm recovering from the flu and I might be a bit pitchy? Shoulda', woulda', coulda' but it doesn't matter because it's over.

I'm just laying in bed today. I don't want to face the world. My stupid ego is bruised. I don't know where to go from here. I have a phone interview in ten minutes for an online radio station. I wish they would cancel but I still have to show up.

In the end, I'm not a quitter. I'm giving myself a day to say woe is me. Last night I applied to be on Oprah's Looking for the next Big Singer show. Who knows. I don't what else to do but perform. It's where I feel the most alive. It's where I feel like I do the most good.

I don't know what the Universe wants from me. They say when one door closes, another one opens. Sounds like pish posh to me right now. All I know is that I gave it my best and they told me No. No sucks.