What is Holding Me Back

Last night I was writing a 10th step on myself and God/The Universe, whatever "It" is while I was at the laundromat. I was a little miffed having to go to the laundromat on account of my landlord yanking out our washer and dryer for douchey reasons. But I decided to make good use of my time. This was after I put $20 in the change machine and only got $10 back. This was while watching a homeless man get naked and wash himself and his clothes. Good time, I know. I was writing it to stop the "F you and your mother attitude" that I have had since the XFactor auditions. 

Today, I ran into a man who was helping me prepare for these auditions. He said, "Christina you have it, you have the voice, the personality, the drive and the look. You have it and I just can't put my finger on it but there is something keeping you or blocking you from succeeding. I don't know what it is, you have to figure it out but when you are you - you are great. I don't know what you need to do but if you want to move forward, you gotta figure out what that is and let it go." He said he could see me as a multi-million dollar brand.

We left it as maybe I needed to go to Seattle for my own little web redemption. (Tosh.o) As I walked away towards the gym, the tears just started coming. I don't want to be that person who gets tight at all the wrong moments. I don't want to let my fear hold me back. I don't want to do anything but shine and help others to shine. Yet, what he said struck a cord with me. I thought I had done the work to get rid of those unwanted and negative thoughts that say you're not enough, it doesn't matter, no one cares and you'll never make it.

Logically and intellectually, I get that I have IT. Deep in my heart I know I have IT. Somewhere between my inner child and my ism - it seems to get lost in translation. It's very upsetting to me. I listened to other people. I trusted their opinion over mine. He said I didn't need to Mohawk. I looked too made up. He said when I am me. I rock. And the truth is, I've been playing to people for the validation, for their love and for acceptance for so long that I sometimes lose who me is.

I want people to feel a part of this process. I felt alone growing up. I envied my cousins and longed to be close to my family. We always moved around. It was hard to have long term relationships. I don't want to do this alone but at what cost?

So who are you Christina? What is holding you back?

I don't want that fear to hold me back. I don't want to hear those stupid, old ass tapes anymore. I want to truly embrace me. Me, the gal that has a quirky sense of fashion. Some might call it bad. Me, the gal that speaks her mind and doesn't take shit from anybody. Me, the gal that loves deeply and gives all that she has. My voice is blossoming. I'll don't think I'll ever sing like Mariah or Whitney but I am a great performer. I have a strong voice and an amazing presence. With the right training, the possibilities are endless.

I'm starting with new affirmations tomorrow. I have to write 10 and say them three times a day. I need to pick songs that are me. If I get a web redemption - I'll do it differently. HE says let me dress you - I say, I'll dress myself this time thank you. I'll wear my signature hair, my signature clothes and let the chips fall where they may.