How Long Do I Get to Fail My Own Life?

How long do you get to hold someone else responsible for your life? How long do I get to fail my own life because I think my parents failed me, society failed me, love failed me, God failed me?


I was thinking about what makes me still believe in the back of my head that I'm no good. That I'll never amount to shit and that my family was right, society was right. I kept asking God - "Am I ever going to make it? Are people ever going to hear my voice and will it matter?" Pause, pause, pause. No. Then yes. The battle of the demons roar in my head like a bad chipmunk symphony. Then, I hear a quiet voice say, "you are what you think you are Christina."

I am what I think I am. Hmmm. So, if I believe myself to be those terrible things told to me over the years by my parents, family members, bitch-ass kids at school, racist pigs on and off campus, in and out of the workplace, society - then I am. It's that simple and I'll fail at what I want to do in my life which is to love and be loved.

What I realized after writing If My Scars Could Talk, is that I am still a work in progress. Four and a half years ago, I had no faith, no life, no hope, no soul. I was a drunk and a druggie living an empty, dark life without parole. Today, not so much. I'm free. I've been sober for four and a half plus years. I have found the LIGHT and am living the life I believe the Universe intended me to.

The bottom line is that I have to love myself and trust the process. I am a control freak and I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm in control of nothing. So it is written, so shall it be done. It takes time to break the chains that bind me. I have the tools now to deal with crap that used to baffle me. My biggest fear is that I won't amount to anything. My dream to be a singer, to be on stage is so dear to me that I can't breathe sometimes. I ache for it and can't imagine my life without music, theater or something creative.

I am what I believe I am. If I believe myself to be great - then by the grace of God - I already am.