10 days . . .

Yesterday was obnoxious with more obnoxious added on to it. I refused to write anything because I was just being pig-headed and had nothing nice to say. When I came home tonight I was calm, cool and collected. I had a pretty good day. Then HE opened his mouth and started talking about how SHE thinks I'm a four letter word that starts with a "C" because I haven't returned any the calls SHE hasn't made to me. Really? It's always something. I'm not even going to dignify the entire conversation other than to say, this is why I have intimacy and trust issues. This is why I have a huge wall up with THESE two people in particular. Who says shit like that? How exactly is one to respond to comments like that? With love?

Anywho, I am not letting that get in my way. Too many times I let hateful words from people who are supposed to love me, take me down. Why? Because on some certain level, I have believed it to be true. But I deserve love. I deserve better. I'm not a saint but I don't go out of my way to be hateful or to try to intentionally hurt people. It's my belief that we are supposed to help each other rise and be the best we can be. It's so easy to be a hater.

I had a great vocal/performance lesson today. I'm still so nervous in front of Pepper. She looks right thru me, I sware. My whole perfectionism starts rearing it's ugly head. That need to please gets triggered. They taught me some more little tricks today that just astound me. They are amazing. She told me that my facial expressions lead my voice when it should be the other way around. I also think that I'm still afraid to show all of me which is why I squint or squish my face when I sing which she told me to stop doing immediately because it wasn't cute and I wasn't connecting with the audience. Lol. I love her.

I have a really good voice. With the proper training, I'm going to be a great singer/performer. One of my friends was talking about her singing lesson and how her voice was her God space essentially. I used to think that about mine when I was a kid. I would just open my mouth and this voice would come out of me that was so beautiful. I didn't realize it but that was God. When she said that, I was reminded again that God is inside me and surrounding me. When I fell on hard times, I thought I had lost that spiritual essence of my voice. I had blind faith back then. I know it's in me and I'm so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to find that beauty, that spiritual essence, again. It's a gift that I long to give back to myself so that I can share it with the rest of the world.