Only the Lonely

Here am I with thoughts of WINNING, trolls and fools running throughout my brain. This brain that the normal brain can't wrap itself around. I don't know whether it's the tiger blood or the genetically engineered blood from Greek Gods that have made me so magnificent or whether it's my Goddesses that bring me to another level. All I know is that I'm trying to live in the moments within the moments. Choose your vice. . . Thank you Charlie Sheen for taking my mind off of what ails me. Thank you for making me see how far I've come in the last five plus years. I know those thoughts, those feelings and he's either gonna die or he is gonna get it. I hope he gets it. Addiction is a deadly disease.

Blogging. I've been using my Facebook as my blog. But my Facebook doesn't keep the history of what I'm going through. I've been doing taxes lately and trying to get our business off the ground by building a website and getting a better accounting system going. All I can say about that is I want to rip my f'n face off and shove it up my own ass. I'm trying to not be angry about the time wasted because certain parties weren't on board. I'm trying but it's not going so good.

I'm really lonely right now. I keep plugging away. I am working on a new show idea. I don't have a lot of funds. I'm trying to run our family business, raise money for my music business, take care of my kid and figure out what the hell is going on with my relationship.

Share in a general way. It's tough. We are from two different worlds. We've been together forever and right now I just feel disconnected and lonely. I don't know who we are as a couple anymore. It makes me sad and as much as I'd like to blame it all on him, I can't. I have a hard time forgiving. I have a hard time trusting. Right now I am just having a hard time moving forward.

I hate how I feel inside when I'm home. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary but right now it's just a major source on contention. A person needs a place to call home. I need a place where I feel safe and secure. Right now I just feel angry and defensive. I've been praying for God to relieve this bitterness in my heart and it's not working.

What's working. I keep talking about it. I keep praying about it and keep moving forward. I used to self-destruct and screw myself over if my house wasn't in order. Today I don't, today I won't do that. I'm not going down that road again. I don't know what's going to happen but I've learned if I hang in there, do the work and give it over, things do get better.

I believe in myself. I believe my thoughts influence my actions. No matter what, I know that I'm on right path. I have so much inside of me that I know will help others. It's just a matter of time.