7 Days and Finding Perspective

It rained all damn day. I loved it. All I wanted to do was stay in my robe and watch it fall. I helped my son study for his midterms and worked on my songs. I got into a little tiff with HIM and it started to sour my mood. All my thoughts started to sour. Why didn't you go see your friend run in the LA Marathon today? Bad friend. Why haven't you done this and that? Why haven't you called HER? Yuck. Feeling bad is so comfortable. It gives me reason to not succeed. I was preoccupied by . . . I couldn't concentrate because . . . I was angry when . . . you get the idea.

For me, failure is not an option. I want to reach my highest potential. I noticed I haven't wanted to say out loud to too many people that I'm going to make it on this show. I haven't said to people I want to win. Why? Because if I don't make it, then I'm a laughing stock or people will feel sorry for me or I'll be a failure. Whatever. I'm just tired of giving myself the option to not succeed. Well, just showing up is good enough. I hope I can make it on the show. Those aren't the thoughts of a winner. That's me playing it safe.

I'm talented enough. I've worked hard enough and I can be the next XFactor. Can I predict what the judges will think or what the people will vote for? No, but I can predict without question that I will give it everything I have, be amazing and entertain people every week. That has to count for something. I'm not leaving anything up for chance. I'm turning over every rock and looking in the crannies. Mama is ready for the next level. Trust.

But then perspective hit me today. I found out two of my friends died. No one knows why, they were about my age. My friend Sasha, left a wife and son. Our kids played baseball together and were in the same youth dodgeball league. I just saw him a few weeks ago. He was the same old crazy, shit talkin', completely inappropriately funny guy. Now he is gone. It just makes me sad.

It made me think about what would Zander do without his father? How would he feel? How would I feel? What would we do? It made me not want to waste anymore time feeling unhappy. I feel for his kid and for his wife. Life is short. I really want to forgive and move on but nothing changes if nothing changes. Things like this really put things into perspective for me.