What is Holding Me Back

Last night I was writing a 10th step on myself and God/The Universe, whatever "It" is while I was at the laundromat. I was a little miffed having to go to the laundromat on account of my landlord yanking out our washer and dryer for douchey reasons. But I decided to make good use of my time. This was after I put $20 in the change machine and only got $10 back. This was while watching a homeless man get naked and wash himself and his clothes. Good time, I know. I was writing it to stop the "F you and your mother attitude" that I have had since the XFactor auditions. 

Today, I ran into a man who was helping me prepare for these auditions. He said, "Christina you have it, you have the voice, the personality, the drive and the look. You have it and I just can't put my finger on it but there is something keeping you or blocking you from succeeding. I don't know what it is, you have to figure it out but when you are you - you are great. I don't know what you need to do but if you want to move forward, you gotta figure out what that is and let it go." He said he could see me as a multi-million dollar brand.

We left it as maybe I needed to go to Seattle for my own little web redemption. (Tosh.o) As I walked away towards the gym, the tears just started coming. I don't want to be that person who gets tight at all the wrong moments. I don't want to let my fear hold me back. I don't want to do anything but shine and help others to shine. Yet, what he said struck a cord with me. I thought I had done the work to get rid of those unwanted and negative thoughts that say you're not enough, it doesn't matter, no one cares and you'll never make it.

Logically and intellectually, I get that I have IT. Deep in my heart I know I have IT. Somewhere between my inner child and my ism - it seems to get lost in translation. It's very upsetting to me. I listened to other people. I trusted their opinion over mine. He said I didn't need to Mohawk. I looked too made up. He said when I am me. I rock. And the truth is, I've been playing to people for the validation, for their love and for acceptance for so long that I sometimes lose who me is.

I want people to feel a part of this process. I felt alone growing up. I envied my cousins and longed to be close to my family. We always moved around. It was hard to have long term relationships. I don't want to do this alone but at what cost?

So who are you Christina? What is holding you back?

I don't want that fear to hold me back. I don't want to hear those stupid, old ass tapes anymore. I want to truly embrace me. Me, the gal that has a quirky sense of fashion. Some might call it bad. Me, the gal that speaks her mind and doesn't take shit from anybody. Me, the gal that loves deeply and gives all that she has. My voice is blossoming. I'll don't think I'll ever sing like Mariah or Whitney but I am a great performer. I have a strong voice and an amazing presence. With the right training, the possibilities are endless.

I'm starting with new affirmations tomorrow. I have to write 10 and say them three times a day. I need to pick songs that are me. If I get a web redemption - I'll do it differently. HE says let me dress you - I say, I'll dress myself this time thank you. I'll wear my signature hair, my signature clothes and let the chips fall where they may.

Congress is full of Jack Wagons

Congress is full of Jack Wagons. We need to get off Mambie Pambie Island and start doing what they are doing in the Middle East; taking back our damn country. I mean it is OUR country right? I feel like a stranger in my own land. Am I crazy?

When did this problem of balancing budgets and joblessness become Obama's fault? When? Was it when the old administration allowed our jobs to be shipped overseas so the greedy corporations could make an even larger profit at our expense? Was it when the old administration allowed banks to give loans on overpriced homes to people who couldn't afford them? Or maybe it was when the old administration turned a blind eye to the Wall Street Cronies as they stole people's retirements, dreams and livelihoods?

Seriously, does Congress think we are idiots? We voted Obama in. I thought we said enough of this political bullcrap? Yet here we are again. Republicans jockeying for position and honestly, I don't know what the Democrats are doing. They've got their tails between their legs. Get some balls. Tell the truth, say it louder and get your people to back you up.

John Boehner, you are an idiot and a cry baby. Who cries like that? Ughhh. Don't act like it's Obama's fault. He walked into this mess - you Jack Wagon. Why don't you go to your corporations and Wall Street D-Bags and tell them to give us back the jobs and the money you stinkin' Republicans let them steal from hard working Americans. WTF?

I'm fed up. When Obama was elected, it was the first time in a long time that I felt like the American dream was alive again. But every time he tries to create change - he gets cockblocked. Health Insurance, I don't know what they did but they found a loophole. Three years ago, I paid $64 dollars for my son's insurance. Today it costs $215 for a similar plan with less coverage. Credit cards. He put a bill forth that was to stop credit card companies from screwing us over. Before the bill was enacted, credit card companies raised annual percentage rates (APR) on people, citing it was a necessary step to cover their asses. Now I pay 22.95% APR on a card I haven't been late on, have paid the balances in full at time and been a good customer.

Now, we are talking about cutting when we should be talking about how to get our jobs back. Without jobs, we are never going to recover. Corporations, wealthy people, they don't need tax breaks. People don't want handouts, they want opportunity. You have to invest in our children's education and in the continuing education of those who want to be contributing members of society. Isn't this the land of opportunity?

All I want is for the nonsense to stop and for people with good ideas to be able to make things happen. What happened to "yes, we can?"

This was actually written March 28th.

I didn't make it.

The guy said no and just like that, it was over. I'm not an excuse maker. I can't believe I didn't make it thru the first round. I saw a old women in a walker and a blind guy make it but when I went up there, the guy didn't even look at me while I was singing. It was like singing to a wall. A wall that didn't like me.

I could second guess what happened. I got there early, they put me in the wrong group. I should have gone first but ended up being the last group in. By the time I figured out something was not right, they rushed me and this other girl in but the mind set was different. Theirs and mine. The ones for the show were in that first group, the one I was supposed to be in.

I was pitchy but I was good. I spent the last night sucking down emergence C and Thera Flu. I was poppin' throat lozenges the day of. I thought to myself, people sing sick all the time. Professionals make it work. I look great, my performance skills are on point. I thought I good enough to move on but he said no. I now understand how some people lose their cookies on the audition floor. I was upset. You know when people are listening. He looked right thru me. He closed his eyes and didn't even take in the whole package. I make a living connecting with others. That's a huge part of what I do.

I feel cheated. I feel like I did everything right and it wasn't good enough. Again. All I hear is HER voice saying, "only special people make it in the industry." Get a job you worthless piece of crap. I don't understand what the Universe wants from me or if it has anything to do with what happened to me or if I'm just supposed to quit now and get a job at 7-11 where my talents will really be of use to people.

What's the point of having this talent? I'm almost 40. I've been trying to make a living at this for years to no avail. I'm still broke. I'm well known in a small community. I have no idea how we are going to pay for my son's school. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent considering I sunk more money we didn't have into this opportunity because I was sure it was going to pay off.

It just doesn't make sense to me. I keep reliving in my head what happened. What did I do wrong? Should I have done this instead of that. Should I have said, hey asshole look at me when I'm singing? Should I have said, I'm recovering from the flu and I might be a bit pitchy? Shoulda', woulda', coulda' but it doesn't matter because it's over.

I'm just laying in bed today. I don't want to face the world. My stupid ego is bruised. I don't know where to go from here. I have a phone interview in ten minutes for an online radio station. I wish they would cancel but I still have to show up.

In the end, I'm not a quitter. I'm giving myself a day to say woe is me. Last night I applied to be on Oprah's Looking for the next Big Singer show. Who knows. I don't what else to do but perform. It's where I feel the most alive. It's where I feel like I do the most good.

I don't know what the Universe wants from me. They say when one door closes, another one opens. Sounds like pish posh to me right now. All I know is that I gave it my best and they told me No. No sucks.

With Dignity and Respect, I Bid You a F-U

So my censors have been off and I've been dealing with a variety of emotions since the XFactor audition. I'm in acceptance of the fact it wasn't a reflection on me or a lack of talent on my part but I'm still pissed that some douche bag put me in the wrong group and essentially killed my opportunity to get thru to the next round.

Something in me has snapped again.

I feel tired and angry. I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of taking the high road. I'm tired of not getting anywhere. I'm still stuck in this two bedroom apartment with a tool of a landlord, who just yanked out our washer and dryer in retaliation of a complaint we made about him to the city. I'm tired of people in positions of power taking advantage of the little guy.

I'm tired of being a little guy.

The other day I took my son to watch me play dodgeball. We parked in the new West Hollywood Library parking lot. It says one hour free and an extra hour free if you are at the park. It's after 10 p.m. when we get to the lot. The park closes at 10 p.m. I go to the security guard to have my ticket validated. He says he can't. The park has to do that. I tell him, the park says you guys do that. Matter of fact - your sign says you do that. He won't budge. He won't validate. He says I should follow the rules like everyone else which sets me on fire inside. See, following the f'n rules seems to be my problem. I'm doing and I ain't going nowhere.

I look at my kid. I don't want make a scene. I go to my car and realize I have forgotten my purse. I have enough change to pay for my ticket if he validates my parking. He won't. He won't give his supervisors name. He tells me to leave my car or call the police but he's unable to let me out. No one is home so we had to walk a good twenty minutes to get home, me and my kid at 10:30 at night because some scrub security guard is on a power trip.

I get home. I get my purse. I call one of my bestie's because I'm pretty pissed off at this point. I tell her I want to act like a lady. I want to be dignified but I want to punch him in the neck and shove his balls down his throat. I pray to God that I'll do the right thing and just walk away from the situation. But someone has to pay. With every step I take, I realize I have to say something. I can't let one more person get away with being an F'n power hungry moron. The guy at the XFactor audition had the same attitude. "They'll call you when their ready. We know what we are doing." Blah, blah, blah. That's why my ass missed my audition time, you jack wagon. I half hope the guy won't be there and I half hope he will. So I get there and he's right by my car with the other security guard guy. Both looking at me, he's smirking.

My head says walk away Christina. My body keeps moving towards him. My bestie is on the phone. I smile. I look at him and say "you could have helped me but you didn't and it's probably because your mad because you live in your mama's basement and you a little dick." I followed this with about 20 expletives and told him to have a good night, you f'n asshole. Not exactly the picture of dignity and class but it felt good. Then I felt bad for feeling good but in my head he deserved it. I don't live in a bad neighborhood but I had my kid with me. He could have done something and for whatever reason, he didn't. My role was I left my purse at home. I have entitlement issues and I had expectations. I do a lot for people and he doesn't know this but a break was what I was looking for.

Then I get a call from my landlord telling me he's going to make our lives hell because we asked him to fix things in our apartment that should have been fixed seven years ago. He's trying to sell the building and we wanted it on record as to what needed to be done so there were no surprises or problems. He tells me I've cut off my nose to spite my face and if he doesn't sell the building, we will be out of the street. Really? My head says don't say anything Christina. My mouth says karma will get you one day asshole.

But will it? Do bad people pay for being bad?Does taking the high road, sticking to your morals and doing the right thing pay off? Does any of this matter anyway? People tell me, God has a better plan for you Christina. Really? Better than turning 40, renting a two-bedroom apartment, not having a job, savings or being able to make a living doing what I love and not knowing where rent is coming from next month? I work my ass off. I don't give up. I fight for people to be able to own their space, to be who they are and to find their gifts. Yet it feels like I can't catch a damn break. I've got stupid people talking crap to me like I'm nothing because they think can. I'm done.

Stay positive they say. Don't be negative. Maybe I'm just being a realist. Nice doesn't cut it. Doing good ain't payin' the bills. When I work with those kids, do they even care? Will what I'm doing matter in the end? If I take my anger out of the picture, I know that what we do matters. I have a great kid and have people that love me. This process has brought me closer to that pure joy I used to get singing as a child. If people had not taken the time to tell me I had a gift and shouldn't give up, I don't know where I'd be. The question is where am I? Right now it feels like nowhere. No one still knows me. The Big Stage still eludes me. My bank account is rolling on zero and my CD's are still in my closet unsold.

Well at least I don't live in my mama's basement. . .

Tomorrow is the DAY

I came home last night with a sore throat and tired. My kid is sick, the old man just had his molar and wisdom tooth ripped out of his mouth. I didn't stress. I delegated. I got Thera flu, vitamin C tabs, Zycam and went to bed. There are no excuses. There is just doing. I'll sing with a plugged up nose, snot dripping out of my head, whatever. I'm in it to win it. I slept to 1 p.m. today and I went to get my hair done, shopped for shoes and got all my stuff ready for tomorrow. This is my time. I'm not afraid. I know where I belong. I'm gonna kill em tomorrow or die tryin'.

2 days . . . To Let Go and Let God

I've realized something these past two weeks. This all comes down to trusting that I've done the work, the Universe is working with me and that I can trust the people in my life.

I can trust the people in my life. I can trust that I've done the work. I can trust. I simply don't use those words lightly. To have gone through what I've gone through in my life and to be able to trust, is truly a miracle. I am incredibly grateful.

I have the best people in my life. I am still afraid to trust on some level but I don't let fear rule me. I am taking that leap of faith and I am letting the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, what do I have? If I'm always second guessing what you do, where is the growth? How do we move onward and upward?

One thing I've learned is that I don't do style very well. Lol. Goldie and my bestie will tell you that. What I love about them is that they tell me the truth, in emails, phone calls and texts. "What the ?" Don't EVER wear THAT!

You need people to tell you the truth. Today my mentor/friend Ida gave me a beautiful necklace and words of encouragement. She sent me a song that brought me to tears. This is my moment. These people really love me and it's okay. No matter what happens, I'm happy. I haven't self-destructed. I've worked my ass off and in my heart I know that my life is going to change.

Only time will tell how.

4 days . . .

I feel like I'm in surreal town. I got Simon's email about XFactor and I literally started to panic. I watched the video about the 5 hints to successful auditioning and I immediately started second guessing myself and everyone around me. He says be original. Well, how the hell can you be original singing other people's songs? (I know it can be done, I'm just venting.) Pepper and John say when you sing a cover you gotta sing the first line like the song and then put your own spin on it. So now what?

Now what is have faith Mrs. Christina. The force is guiding you. Thy will be done. I am afraid to make a mistake because as Simon put it, this might be my last shot doing something like this. If I could only add a little more pressure to the situation right?

Oh and then HE starts talking about how my dress isn't sexy enough. But I am sexy enough you &%$#@! Clothes don't make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. Fact is, I just don't trust his judgement anymore. But he got into my head. I can't have that shit. Now I have to go and bring it to other people to make sure it's the right look. Arghhhhh.

Girlfriend, you gotta stay strong. You won't do this perfectly but you will give it everything you have. People love you and support you. They want to see you succeed as much as you do. You can do this. Don't you just love how I just spoke to myself in third person? Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out.

7 Days and Finding Perspective

It rained all damn day. I loved it. All I wanted to do was stay in my robe and watch it fall. I helped my son study for his midterms and worked on my songs. I got into a little tiff with HIM and it started to sour my mood. All my thoughts started to sour. Why didn't you go see your friend run in the LA Marathon today? Bad friend. Why haven't you done this and that? Why haven't you called HER? Yuck. Feeling bad is so comfortable. It gives me reason to not succeed. I was preoccupied by . . . I couldn't concentrate because . . . I was angry when . . . you get the idea.

For me, failure is not an option. I want to reach my highest potential. I noticed I haven't wanted to say out loud to too many people that I'm going to make it on this show. I haven't said to people I want to win. Why? Because if I don't make it, then I'm a laughing stock or people will feel sorry for me or I'll be a failure. Whatever. I'm just tired of giving myself the option to not succeed. Well, just showing up is good enough. I hope I can make it on the show. Those aren't the thoughts of a winner. That's me playing it safe.

I'm talented enough. I've worked hard enough and I can be the next XFactor. Can I predict what the judges will think or what the people will vote for? No, but I can predict without question that I will give it everything I have, be amazing and entertain people every week. That has to count for something. I'm not leaving anything up for chance. I'm turning over every rock and looking in the crannies. Mama is ready for the next level. Trust.

But then perspective hit me today. I found out two of my friends died. No one knows why, they were about my age. My friend Sasha, left a wife and son. Our kids played baseball together and were in the same youth dodgeball league. I just saw him a few weeks ago. He was the same old crazy, shit talkin', completely inappropriately funny guy. Now he is gone. It just makes me sad.

It made me think about what would Zander do without his father? How would he feel? How would I feel? What would we do? It made me not want to waste anymore time feeling unhappy. I feel for his kid and for his wife. Life is short. I really want to forgive and move on but nothing changes if nothing changes. Things like this really put things into perspective for me.

8 days . . .

I don't know whether it was the big, full moon I couldn't see because of the damn clouds or if I'm really getting back in touch with my spiritual essence. I said some things today while I was rehearsing for this show that resonated so clearly with me. It just felt right. It gave me goosebumps.

I said I wanted to prove to myself and show that person that told me I was going to worthless, like my father, that this is my home. I belong on the big stage and I am destined for greatness. I cried a little bit because I've spent my life living for other people's love and approval. I let a few people take me on a path that wasn't mine to be on. While I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, I would have done things differently given the opportunity.

Today, I'm really grateful. I realized it's not my story anymore. I can look at myself in the mirror and feel true joy when I'm singing again. I felt that essence, fleeting as it was, last night and tonight. It's really about having faith and letting go. Of course, it's about practicing. You just can't show up and say, "Hey Spirit of the Universe, make it happen." You have to do the work. I feel like I'm doing the work and it's paying off.

I asked myself what made me different from all the other contestants. I laughed. I looked at myself in the mirror and started spewing some bullshit at first. I ignored my instinct that said to say "I am Christina Simos. There is no one out there like me. Thank God. Lol. Because we'd all be in trouble." I went back to it and I added that it was my chops, my hair, my ass, my spirit and my "No matter what, I don't give up," attitude that sets me apart from the other contestants. I changed ass to derriere because it's more PC.

All in all, I felt like I got it today. The very essence of my DNA was created for the stage. No one can or will deny me that anymore. I asked myself a question I had heard Simon ask on the XFactor UK. Why haven't you made it?

"Honestly, someone I loved told me that only special people make it in this business and I should find another path to follow. Something inside my broke and I followed a path that wasn't mine. I was very accomplished but dead inside. By the time I got back on the path my DNA had clearly written for me, I found myself pregnant. I set everything aside to be the best mom I could to my son. Now it's time to be an example to him, myself and others that if it is to be, it will be. You keep doing the work and no matter what, you don't give up. You either die doing what you love or you die. (I just added that one for humor) Lol."

I'm on a mission. Great things are going to happen for me. It's going to inspire many as I find my authentic self on this next journey. Mark my words.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

10 days . . .

Yesterday was obnoxious with more obnoxious added on to it. I refused to write anything because I was just being pig-headed and had nothing nice to say. When I came home tonight I was calm, cool and collected. I had a pretty good day. Then HE opened his mouth and started talking about how SHE thinks I'm a four letter word that starts with a "C" because I haven't returned any the calls SHE hasn't made to me. Really? It's always something. I'm not even going to dignify the entire conversation other than to say, this is why I have intimacy and trust issues. This is why I have a huge wall up with THESE two people in particular. Who says shit like that? How exactly is one to respond to comments like that? With love?

Anywho, I am not letting that get in my way. Too many times I let hateful words from people who are supposed to love me, take me down. Why? Because on some certain level, I have believed it to be true. But I deserve love. I deserve better. I'm not a saint but I don't go out of my way to be hateful or to try to intentionally hurt people. It's my belief that we are supposed to help each other rise and be the best we can be. It's so easy to be a hater.

I had a great vocal/performance lesson today. I'm still so nervous in front of Pepper. She looks right thru me, I sware. My whole perfectionism starts rearing it's ugly head. That need to please gets triggered. They taught me some more little tricks today that just astound me. They are amazing. She told me that my facial expressions lead my voice when it should be the other way around. I also think that I'm still afraid to show all of me which is why I squint or squish my face when I sing which she told me to stop doing immediately because it wasn't cute and I wasn't connecting with the audience. Lol. I love her.

I have a really good voice. With the proper training, I'm going to be a great singer/performer. One of my friends was talking about her singing lesson and how her voice was her God space essentially. I used to think that about mine when I was a kid. I would just open my mouth and this voice would come out of me that was so beautiful. I didn't realize it but that was God. When she said that, I was reminded again that God is inside me and surrounding me. When I fell on hard times, I thought I had lost that spiritual essence of my voice. I had blind faith back then. I know it's in me and I'm so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to find that beauty, that spiritual essence, again. It's a gift that I long to give back to myself so that I can share it with the rest of the world.

12 days . . .

Sometimes I really don't like being bodily and mentally different from my fellows. I get this craziness going on in my head and I just get mad. I start ranting and raving in my head about what's wrong with the world, people, my life, etc. I don't even think I'm mad or MAD until people start looking at me like I'm crazy. Then I'm frustrated because I don't want to be like that. Happy, joyous and free. That's what I like, not the crazy, mad black woman.

I was working on my songs and it just didn't come easy to me. I was cleaning my apartment and working on the arrangement when I sang something brilliant but I wasn't recording it. I ran for my recorder but to no avail. I never got the melody back. It really pisses me off when I do that.

It started with a terrible workout. I was tired. I came home and I just didn't get into the groove. Then I went to the school to work with the kids and the energy on the campus was just ewwwhhh. Seems like no one is happy. It makes me sad. They all say they miss my presence and that was really not what I wanted to happen. I left a blueprint on how to do stuff and it feels like a certain few people just ripped up and threw it away. It's really disappointing.

Maybe it was just me and my whole attitude. Today just wasn't a good, productive day with the exception of working with those kids. I love them. My son and I got into it. I just wanted him to write a damn hook sentence for his research paper. He was tired too. I think that daylight savings time finally caught up with us. I should have let it go but I was in crazy mode so I didn't. Guess how that went?

So I'm just gonna chalk it up as one of those days that a girl goes through. Tomorrow is another day.

13 days . . .

The Universe is a truly beautiful thing. Yesterday my panties were in a ruffle because I didn't know how I was going to take care of all the commitments I have. Today, help arrived. My mentor said she'd help me edit my website pages. Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrari showed me in 45 minutes how to fix my voice. It's crazy. They gave me simple, minor adjustments to make that I've been trying to do for quite awhile with a very small measure of success. It seems so elementary now.

This doesn't happen without me asking for help. I used to think asking for help was a sign of weakness but since I figured out that I wasn't Omnipotent, asking for help has actually helped me to grow immensely. It takes my unneeded ego out of the picture and allows for my heart center to expand.

I worked on my music today the way I wanted to. I am forever self-conscious because my man and I work together out of the house. We also have neighbors and I don't want them to hear me sounding off when I'm working out my songs. I can't really afford to care about what they think though because at the end of the day - none of them can sign me to a contract, give me the exposure I need or pay my damn bills.

I know what I need to do and I'm unstoppable right now. I did have another piece of chocolate cake though. Argghhhh. I told myself Monday was the day to cut everything out but the cake was here when I got home and it said I must not waste the cake. So I didn't.

In other news, the school my son is going to sent me a letter today telling me that Zander can stay at the school for about way more than we can afford. They want $1000 by April 15th and $800 a month after. I want to pay it but we don't have that. I don't know what that means but somethings gotta give soon. I can't even begin to think about putting Zander back into LAUSD. I guess I'm going to be giving that over as well.

Tiara's and baseball . . . 14 days left

I spent three hours working on my songs and studying other auditions tonight. For me, not enough time but it was Sunday, homework and my kids baseball game. I have to say that I was a complete ass today at his game. I was just pissed off because I wanted to be practicing my music but I made a commitment to be there for my kid. I said family comes first. I don't really know what that means right now. If I take care of myself and do the work I'm supposed to in order to get where I want to be, does that make me selfish? Does that make me a bad mom?

I was pissed I had to be there today and the damn coach wasn't even there. There were coaches there that have probably never played ball in there life trying to coach the team. It just set me off. I'm really competitive. If a play isn't good, you don't tell the kids it was. That doesn't make them try harder. It doesn't make the team better.

My kid seems to have very little confidence in the coaching so he is trying to make his own judgement calls. I think that's a little dangerous because once he thinks he knows it all, he stops learning and growing. I just wanted to sock somebody in the face. He slide into second, got a little dirt burn on his elbow and they wanted to take him out. THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! I'm not saying you shouldn't look and make sure the kid is OK but for the love of God, it's a sport. They are going to get bumps and bruises. Let them play. Don't coddle them and have them sit out because someone banged their knee or the ball hit them too hard in the glove. Seriously. Next thing you know they'll impose speed limits on how fast the kids run so they don't trip on the base and hurt themselves. What's up with that? Maybe I should bring them Tiara's instead of helmets next week. Arghhhh.

I don't know what to make a priority right now and I'm frustrated. I've got this damn website that is unfinished and a thorn in my side. It will bring in business when it is done. We are down to almost our last dollar and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm so close. I just want to focus on nailing this audition. I know I have to work on our business though or else we will be living out of our car or something.

Well Universe. It's me and you again. My heart says work the hell out of my songs for the next two weeks but if I do, I may not be able to pay my bills next month. Got any ideas?I guess this is where faith comes in. I keep saying we always manage. Let's see if this is true.

15 days . . .

Today was my man's birthday. Spent the day shopping for him. Contrary action. I am trying. I really am. Music has been in my head all day. I tried not to get up my son's ass today about getting off his Xbox. Guess what? It didn't work. I'm going to take that stupid thing and chuck it out the window one day. I swear I am.

One thing I know for sure my thoughts are everything. If I go into this thing with an attitude of maybe I'll do good, I hope I can make it or if I just make into the first round, it'll be victory, it's like giving myself an out or leaving room for not making it. There is no maybe in my vocabulary. I am winning, everything. That's my attitude. I will take every piece of criticism, direction, instruction and intention to be the last one standing. Anything less would be uncivilized.

16 days . . .

I'm so stinkin' tired. I met with Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrarri today. We discussed song choices. I am so glad that we met because they just made it clear to me what I need to do and I had to change my song choices to be able to complete in this contest.

I am so blessed to have a team around me that supports me. I have zero cash. I'm going to be pulling dandelions out of my you know what but you do what you gotta do. I believe in myself and what I'm doing. This is mine. Now I have to pick three songs and bring them back to them this weekend.

I am so friggin' crazed. I got my kids baseball. I got this damn website that should have been done two months ago. I have to balance the books, get clients to pay, work with kids on Tuesdays for their talent show, plan a comedy fundraiser for my favorite charity, do homework with my kid, cook, clean and workout. All in a days work I guess.

17 days and counting

Well I put my song choices together and I'm really leaning towards an acoustic version of Lenny Kravitz's song "Thinking About You." Why? If there was one artist that I related to, it would be him. I love his style, his music, his depth and his sexiness. Oh, and his mind too. Lol.

I feel like I should be mum on what I'm doing to prepare because someone out there might steal my shit but honestly if it's going to be me, it's going to be me. That's leftover paranoia from a time far far back. Here are my thoughts on watching all of these contests. It's really about money. How much money can this artist make me? What is this artist's market audience? I have to sing a song that they can identify my market audience, type of artist and potential to earn in three minutes. I am ready to do that. I feel strong and yet I want to throw up. I find myself excited yet panicked.

I'm meeting with Pepper Jay and John Michael Ferrari tomorrow to help me pick my song. They have been instrumental in helping me build my confidence, work on my performance and vocal skills. I love them. They aren't caddy or flippant. In a business where money is everything, they seem to care about me. It's very rare to find that. What I've learned is that I still don't trust my choices even though this one feels right. That's why people have teams. From a person who has trust issues, I have learned to be open and to listen.

I wasn't going to have anyone come with me on my audition either but I really do think having support would help a sista' feel stronger. Duh. My favorite DB Hilary is going to come and hang out with me. I am going to get my son and maybe one of his friends to come also. I want him to see me make it. I don't have to do this alone. I think I wanted to do this alone at first because I don't want people to see me fail and I don't want to be rejected but that's old school behavior. I deserve love. I deserve support and I won't fail because I've already won. I'm living my dream. How many people can say that?

What the?

Okay, what the hell is wrong with America? Wisconsin and Idaho what is going on? You think ending the Union's collective bargaining power will eliminate the deficit? Is this the Republican way of getting more power to the state and respecting the people who put them in power? Disgusting.

I think I've picked the song I want to sing. I should have two songs. I am so damn broke right now but I'm bettin' all of what I have left on my Brown behind. I keep checking the site for more news. I am excited and overwhelmed.

I need to make time to just concentrate on this. It's hard. Family, website, business, bills. Grrrrr face as my son would say. I'm still lonely. I think I'll burn some more sage tonight. Please Universe give me peace of mind. One thing I do know is that I'm rising to the occasion. This is in my DNA. Can't nobody take my moment away from me.

X Factor Audition count down

Oh my hell. I had to call my BFF tonight to talk myself off a ledge. I found out that the X Factor auditions are in two and a half weeks. I got onto to the website and signed my name up for the info. Then I panicked. All I want to do is perform, make a living at it and be great. Part of me feels like this is it. The other part of me is nervous. I want to make the right song choice. I want to make sure my look, my energy, my voice, match the beauty within. I want to shine and succeed. I want Simon to look at me and say "Now this is why we have this competition. Brilliant."

I've been so close, so many times. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of almost but not quite. It's like tasting something you can't swallow or smelling something you can't feel. It's like getting to that point of ecstasy and stopping the motion.

I really just want to be the best I can be. I want to walk in there and be IT. I have IT. I really do. This is my calling. . .

Putting People on Blast

Things that make you go hmmm . . .
Seeing a big sign on a hotel that boasts, "Clean Rooms." Shouldn't that be just a given? That's like putting up a sign at a restaurant that say, "No Roaches Here." Makes you wonder why exactly they had to post that.

Mark Cuban is a Douche
Whose a douche? There's a douche. No matter how you look at; Dallas Mavericks Owner and HDNet Channel owner Mark Cuban is a douche. He wants to exploit Mr. Sheen with a reality show. I know we all laugh at Charlie Sheen but the truth of the matter is, he is a very sick man who is killing himself with drugs and alcohol. He has kids and a family who love him and are watching this very public incomprehensible demoralization with the kind of pain you don't wish on anyone.

Think about it.

Would we be parading around a cancer survivor or someone with a deadly disease, looking for the next sound bite, if we knew they were going to die? What's up with that? Mark Cuban, you are a schmuck. Taking advantage of a man who has clearly lost his marbles for ratings and cash, is why America has fallen down the moral scale, unseemingly able to get up.

Freedom Revolution
Gas prices are skyrocketing because of the freedom revolution going on in the Middle East. In less than a month, gas has risen about 33 cents a gallon. President Obama is thinking about dipping into our reserves to help with the rising cost of gas. How bout we stop driving gas guzzlers, carpool and take other means of transportation?

Maybe if we had listened to Al Gore and started pushing for more hybrid and electric vehicles, people wouldn't have to eBay their next of kin or take out a third mortgage on the house they still can't find the job to pay the rent for, to fill up their tank. Thank you again Mr. Bush, for allowing companies to outsource our livelihoods to people we can't even understand on the phone.

No More Fingerpointing
People continue to point fingers at Obama, like he is some sort of magician and the state of the nation is his fault. He walked into a disaster zone. He has been doing his best to make sure people are able to feed their families while they assessed the severity of the situation. The situation being a bunch of greedy ass corporations, Republicans, banks and one Bernie Madoff who lied, cheated and stole our futures, our pasts and are wreaking havoc on our present because they don't have a conscious.

They are unwilling to share what is rightfully ours. The American Dream. They gave it away to the highest bidder - China for the most part. It may be soon that we to, take a stand at our state and national capitals and effectively kick their asses out. Let Obama do the job we voted him in to do. Those people in Congress, trying to eliminate money from teachers, education, unions, programs like Planned Parenthood and the list goes on, are not representing me. They are bunch of cockblockers, no different than Muammar Gaddafi, the former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Osama Bid Laden or Fidel Castro. They don't care about us.

I'm glad the folks in Wisconsin are up in arms. Stay strong. The Freedom Revolution is here and many of us are sick and damn tired of not being able to fulfill our dreams because we are struggling to feed our families. I said it over ten years ago and I'll say it again until I don't have.

The time for talk is over.

Only the Lonely

Here am I with thoughts of WINNING, trolls and fools running throughout my brain. This brain that the normal brain can't wrap itself around. I don't know whether it's the tiger blood or the genetically engineered blood from Greek Gods that have made me so magnificent or whether it's my Goddesses that bring me to another level. All I know is that I'm trying to live in the moments within the moments. Choose your vice. . . Thank you Charlie Sheen for taking my mind off of what ails me. Thank you for making me see how far I've come in the last five plus years. I know those thoughts, those feelings and he's either gonna die or he is gonna get it. I hope he gets it. Addiction is a deadly disease.

Blogging. I've been using my Facebook as my blog. But my Facebook doesn't keep the history of what I'm going through. I've been doing taxes lately and trying to get our business off the ground by building a website and getting a better accounting system going. All I can say about that is I want to rip my f'n face off and shove it up my own ass. I'm trying to not be angry about the time wasted because certain parties weren't on board. I'm trying but it's not going so good.

I'm really lonely right now. I keep plugging away. I am working on a new show idea. I don't have a lot of funds. I'm trying to run our family business, raise money for my music business, take care of my kid and figure out what the hell is going on with my relationship.

Share in a general way. It's tough. We are from two different worlds. We've been together forever and right now I just feel disconnected and lonely. I don't know who we are as a couple anymore. It makes me sad and as much as I'd like to blame it all on him, I can't. I have a hard time forgiving. I have a hard time trusting. Right now I am just having a hard time moving forward.

I hate how I feel inside when I'm home. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary but right now it's just a major source on contention. A person needs a place to call home. I need a place where I feel safe and secure. Right now I just feel angry and defensive. I've been praying for God to relieve this bitterness in my heart and it's not working.

What's working. I keep talking about it. I keep praying about it and keep moving forward. I used to self-destruct and screw myself over if my house wasn't in order. Today I don't, today I won't do that. I'm not going down that road again. I don't know what's going to happen but I've learned if I hang in there, do the work and give it over, things do get better.

I believe in myself. I believe my thoughts influence my actions. No matter what, I know that I'm on right path. I have so much inside of me that I know will help others. It's just a matter of time.